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The Collins Chronicles e-Newsletter - July Editions
This entry was posted on 8/23/2009 5:38 PM and is filed under Biographical.
THE COLLINS CHRONICLES e-NEWSLETTER
VOL. 1 / ISSUE 10
JULY 12, 2009
"When he fought, you never knew if he could come back. He looked beaten and still came back." -Boxing referee Randy Neumann on Arturo Gatti
Believe it or not, I find myself having to start another newsletter with a solemn tribute to a fallen celebrity. Legendary boxer Arturo "Thunder" Gatti was found murdered on his vacation in Brazil this weekend. As I am writing this newsletter, it appears his wife is the main suspect in the investigation. The two were celebrating a second honeymoon and travelling with their one-year-old son. It appears right now that the man with one of the fiercest hearts in professional boxing lost his life in a bizarrely sad and tragic fashion.
I was a huge fan of Arturo Gatti when I was growing up. I can recall spending hours and hours watching him wage war in the ring on HBO. He will definitely be remembered as one of the most exciting and crowd-pleasing fighters in the history of boxing. In the seven year span between 1997 and 2003, Gatti was involved in the Ring Magazine-chosen "Fight of the Year" an amazing four times. Anyone wanting to see boxing at its best need need look no further than the trilogy of fights between Arturo "Thunder" Gatti and "Irish" Micky Ward. Two of their fights won "Fight of the Year" and all three were intensely competitive and spirited fights that showcased two gritty boxers battling through broken hands, cut and swollen faces, and exchanging knockdowns until the final bells sounded. The world of sports lost another legend far too young this weekend. One of the heroes of BDC's youth is gone from us far too early, at the age of 37. I will personally do my best to not remember "Thunder" Gatti for the sad ending to his life, but for the superhuman heart that he displayed in the boxing ring and the hours of enjoyment that his boxing career provided to his fans like me. Rest in peace, champ.
Moving on with this week's newsletter, we have a wide range of topics to discuss. We will lead off with some developments on the BDC family front, and it does NOT involve pregnancy, so calm down. Next, we will deliver on the "Chicken Balls" story that we promised last week. I will happily recap the results of UFC 100 for the fight fans among us. This week's top ten list is a long-awaited and highly-requested ranking that showcases the subject matter than launched The Collins Chronicles. Lastly, our reader mailbag is an update on The Collins Chronicles League. We have a full plate ahead of us, so let's dig in, shall we?
CHURCH IT UP
This weekend was a very rewarding weekend for the Collins family. Ignore the fact that I got to spend my entire Saturday at home with Wife and WDC, eating a homemade muffaletta sandwich and watching hours and hours of mixed martial arts cagefights. That was a superb Saturday, but not entirely out of the ordinary for our family. The highlight and noteworthy news from the weekend came on Sunday morning, when our family joined Master's Church here in northwest Lexington, Kentucky.
We have been visiting Master's for several months and praying about making the decision to join their church family. Growing up as a preacher's son, the decision to formally join a church is one that I take very seriously and would never rush. For the past couple of months, I have been attending a weekly men's Bible study at lunch on Tuesdays at the church and have had the chance to get to know several of the guys there. We participated in a "Membership Matters" class that the church offered recently as an introductory orientation for newcomers to the church. The more that we learned about the church and its vision, the more comfortable that we became with joining the fold. We made our decision official at church on Sunday morning, and we are very excited to get plugged in and involved with the ministries of the church.
I know lots and lots of the folks reading this newsletter have a home church, but for those that don't, my sincere prayer is that each of you is able to find a body of believers that fits your family as well as we have with Master's Church. There is no other social group or civic organization that can replace or approach the relationships and friendships that can be built inside a local church. Our family is excited to begin that process of love and growth with our new church family, and I wish that for all of my readers, as well.
CHEW IT UP
Chicken Balls. Two simple words, but one extraordinary lunch. Hatties is a Lexington bar and grill establishment that is hidden off the main drag in northwest Lexington. If you judged from its exterior appearance, you would not expect to get a quality hamburger here, much less a creative and delicious lunch item like Chicken Balls. I have to confess at this point in the story that "Chicken Balls" is actually the popular slang name for these wonderful morsels that we were served. If you want to be more specific, the board of lunch specials at Hatties announces them as "Chicken Croquettes." A deservedly fancy name, but one that is far too French-sounding for the average Lexington lunch-goer.
I could go on and on...and on...about the Chicken Balls at Hatties, but I think you get the message that I heart them in a major way by now, so let's move on to the part where I try my best to describe these little marvels to you. Imagine if you will, shredded chicken being combined with cheese, onions, breadcrumbs, and perhaps manna from Heaven, but I can't confirm that. These ingredients are mixed together, formed into balls, coated in a perfect consistency of batter and then deep-fried. The Chicken Balls are then plated up with a nice ladle of delicious cream gravy on top of them. I could go on trying to type enough adjectives to describe how good these things taste, but I would run out of laptop battery before I got halfway there. Trust me when I say that Chicken Balls are one of the best things I have ever eaten period, anywhere, anytime. They are only served at Hatties for lunch a handful of times each year, and I plan to be there every time they make them. If you are ever in Lexington and see me sprinting to my car at lunch time, I advise you to follow me, as I am either being chased by a wolverine or I am on my way to eat Chicken Balls. You will not be sorry either way. Finally, I have to give a lifetime "hats off" to my coworker, Tiffy Lou Who, for introducing me to the Chicken Balls. I am forever in your debt.
BEAT IT UP
Saturday night, the Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC) presented UFC 100: Making History live from Las Vegas on pay-per-view. The entire BDC family was anxiously gathered around our television screen to see how this momentous card of fights would play out. Having attended six of the UFC events live in the past two years, I was excited to see what the company had put together for its hundredth big event, and after watching it, I hope to attend even more events in the next few years.
The main event saw former WWE Champion Brock Lesnar continue to prove that he can do more than "wrasslin." In only his fifth professional MMA fight, Brock thoroughly manhandled a veteran fighter in Frank Mir, and he is now the undisputed UFC Heavyweight Champion of the World. The UFC has a great crop of young, big, and hungry heavyweight fighters lining up to challenge Lesnar, but right now he is definitely at the top of the organization food chain.
Speaking of the top of the food chain, Georges St-Pierre conclusively demonstrated that he is without doubt the greatest fighter in the known universe at 170 pounds. I had personally harbored some inklings that challenger Thiago Alves might be the man to dethrone GSP, but those inklings were quickly put to rest. St-Pierre took Alves down to the mat at will and more than held his own on the feet with his striking. There is not a man alive right now with the skill set to challenge the welterweight champion of the UFC.
The televised undercard fights were really entertaining, as well. In the opening bout, debuting Japanese sensation (and BDC fave) Yoshihiro Akiyama narrowly edged out Alan Belcher in the "Fight of the Night" winner. Welterweight stud Jon Fitch outclassed Paulo Thiago on his way to a unanimous decision. Lastly, American Dan Henderson absolutely blasted Brit Michael Bisping into unconsciousness in a KO that will be replayed over and over for years to come. All in all, it was a great night of fights, and a fitting card to celebrate one hundred events for the world's premier mixed martial arts organization.
DISH IT UP
Amazingly, it has now been ten months since BDC and family relocated to the Bluegrass State. In honor of this milestone, we are going to be ranking the top ten restaurants in Lexington according to BDC. Granted, I have not eaten at anywhere near the majority of the restaurants in town, so I offer the disclaimer that this is a ranking strictly based on the places I have eaten thus far. By all means, if you immediately think of a restaurant that I missed, email it to me, as I am always open to restaurant suggestions. Without further ado, the first-ever Lexington, Kentucky restaurant rankings are this week's edition of the Weekly Top Ten...
10-Malone's...one of the priciest places to eat in Lexington, but a great, great steak for special occasions.
9-Asia Cafe...a very tiny Asian diner with very big flavors and very low lunch prices.
8-Mi Mexico...the best Mexican food we have found in town so far.
7-Columbia Steak House...one of the oldest steakhouses in town...with lamb fries as an appetizer.
6-City Buffet...the best Chinese buffet in Lexington is a great value to boot.
5-Meadowthorpe Cafe...imagine a handful of Southern grandmas getting together and making you lunch.
4-Justix...the entire menu is meats and veggies on wood skewers, but the limited menu is cooked to perfection.
3-Culver's...I know it is a chain, but we did not have access to these butter burgers and frozen custard back in Tennessee.
2-Darlin' Jean's Apple Cobbler Cafe...sort of cheating since this place is in Midway, KY, but worth the ten minute commute.
1-Ramsey's Diner...their Black Bottom Banana Pie is the official dessert of The Collins Chronicles and the best finish to a meal in Lexington.
TEE IT UP
It is hard to imagine, but the summer is already winding down, and before you know it, the college and professional football season will be upon us. This week's reader email leads me to believe that a few of my readers were thinking about the pigskin time of year this past week. We got emails from enough interested parties in the past week or so to officially complete the field for our inaugural season of fantasy football in the newly launched Collins Chronicles League. I send a BIG thanks out to everyone who has agreed to participate in our maiden voyage this coming NFL season. I will post some updates once the season gets underway and we find out if any of our readers have what it takes to keep BDC from claiming the throne that he has built for himself. For those who are playing, I will be emailing some additional information out about the league real soon, so keep an eye on your email, because the draft will be here before you know it. Good luck to all the teams!
Hope you enjoyed the newsletter. Email BDC@CollinsChronicles.com any time you have comments, suggestions, or ideas for The Collins Chronicles. Talk to you next week!
As always, visit us online at http://www.collinschronicles.com/
THE COLLINS CHRONICLES e-NEWSLETTER
VOL. 1 / ISSUE 11
JULY 19, 2009
"The busy bee has no time for sorrow." - William Blake
This past week at work has been one of those weeks that I was exceedingly glad to see come to an end. We were trying to do too many things without enough people, and the whole thing nearly came off the rails. I finished up the week completely mentally exhausted. I am not looking for your sympathy, mind you. This week was just one instance where the business side of BDC was forced to take center stage for the most part. The means I unfortunately had no fun lunch outings, interesting radio appearances, or embarrassing moments to share with you from this past week.
The good news is that a ridiculously busy week at work made for some quick days. In turn, the weekend seemed to get here faster, which means it is time for another newsletter. No matter how stressed out I get, I always enjoy sitting down and churning out The Collins Chronicles for my dear readers out there. Thanks for letting me vent and blow off some steam in each of your directions, and in return, I hope the newsletter provides a fun little outlet for you on your weeks of stress and headaches.
Enough chit-chat. After a rough week at the office, a visit from my parents and a church cookout have made for a fun weekend. Allow me to put the trials and tribulations of the past week behind us all and let's move forward as a group into a fun new week and a new edition of The Collins Chronicles!
KEEP YOUR PANTS ON
One thing I have learned through these first few months of newsletters is that my readers thoroughly enjoy to hear about those times where BDC ends up in awkward or slightly embarrassing situations. Heck, even the downright painful situation of having my ear knocked off my head turned into the most-read story in the history of CollinsChronicles.com. I suppose it is human nature to laugh at the misfortune of others. I also suppose I do manage to put a humorous spin on my own life experiences from time to time. I got lots of feedback on the story of my bad haircut experience a few weeks ago. With that in mind, I have decided to compensate for a rather boring week at work by unveiling a story that I have never told anyone before. I think you will understand the reason why after you read it.
A few years ago, I was working as a logistics consultant for a small company in my hometown of Lenoir City, Tennessee. This would be the same company that employed me when I lost my ear on the job, for the vast majority of you who have already read that story. This story takes place just a few short months before the ear story. Our company had been contracted to inventory and relocate a maintenance storeroom for a large food production plant in northeast Tennessee. Each weekday morning, I would drive about forty minutes from my house to a Cracker Barrel parking lot, where I would meet up with one or two other guys from our company and carpool the remaining fifty minutes to the plant.
This was my first real job experience. I was still finishing up my degree at Tennessee and working as many hours as possible on the side. I was the youngest consultant by far that our company had sent up to this plant, so I was hopeful and anxious to make the best impression that I possibly could. At the same time, I was a college student with a limited budget and a limited business casual wardrobe. Regardless, I made sure to show up on time and dressed the part of the dedicated professional consultant as best I could.
Over the course of time, this schedule began to wear on me and on my clothes. Unfortunately for me, it would be my clothes that gave out before I did. I have been known to develop a special affinity for a certain pair of jeans, pants, or shoes and wear them repeatedly until they were so worn out they had to be thrown away. In most cases, the holes or frays or rips would be found in the laundry process and the clothes would be given a respectful sendoff in the trash can at home. In this particular instance, though, if there were any warning signs or indications of impending trouble, I completely missed them.
The pants I wore on the morning of the incident were a little on the tight side. I will confess that. I will also confess that our crew decided to have breakfast at the Cracker Barrel on the morning of the incident, and I put down the Country Boy Breakfast with ease. Even with those confessions in mind, I was still not prepared for what happened next. When we arrived at the plant, I was riding shotgun in a nice sedan that was owned and driven by one of my coworkers. As I opened the door to exit the car and swung my legs out, I bent at the waist to climb to my feet...and the button of my pants was launched into orbit. I am not talking about a button just popping off and falling to the ground, I am talking a button that potentially made it into orbit. If you have seen the Subway commercial with the buttons blowing off people's pants, you know what I am talking about. I had no idea what had happened at first, until I felt a looseness around my waist and heard my button bounding across the parking lot and into the next county.
Maybe a more seasoned professional would have handled the remainder of the day better than I did. It was before eight o'clock in the morning. I did not have a car at my disposal. I was ninety minutes away from home. I had no way to hold my pants up. I had no idea what to do. Zero. Nothing. I panicked. My coworkers were walking into the plant ahead of me, I knew I needed to get into the men's room and assess my situation further in privacy. I jammed both of my hands into my pockets and used them to hold my pants up while I walked into the plant.
A quick trip to the bathroom confirmed that I was living in one of the worst case scenarios possible. Not only had my button blown off, but it had taken a dime-sized circle of the pants with it when it jumped ship. I tried cinching my belt up as tight as possible, but with nothing but a weak zipper available to hold the top of my pants together, the belt was useless. At this point in the story, I invite any of you out there reading to email me what you would have done in my place. I will confess that my next move was an unorthodox and ridiculous one, but desperate times called for desperate measures. I would welcome your suggestions now, but keep in mind that in the heat of the moment, sometimes you just do the best that you can.
I put my hands back in my pocket and went back out to my desk. As soon as I sat down, my pants were pretty much wide open. I surveyed the desk and the office around me for anything that could be of assistance to me in my time of need. I was hoping to see a bungee cord of some string or maybe a spare pair of pants, but none of those things happened to be available in this tiny plant floor office. After an exhaustive search, I stuck the stapler down one pocket and a cup full of paper clips down the other pocket and headed back to the bathroom. I am sure I looked funny walking to the bathroom, but I made it in there and locked myself into the first stall that I came to.
What happened next is probably self-explanatory, but I will give you the highlights. I straightened out the paper clips and then jabbed them through both sides of the pants and then twisted them off like a twist-tie. Having a twisted wad of metal jabbing you in the lower stomach is painful, but it is preferable to having your pants around your ankles. Unfortunately, the paper clips alone were not going to hold all day, so I used a dozen or so staples to add stability. Let me promise you that using a stapler that close to your happy parts is never the optimal solution to any issue, but I got them secured without inflicting any further damage on myself.
Unlike a lot of my stories, this one does not have a happy ending. Sure, I made it through the day without a complete pants dropping incident, but I was too terrified of one to get out from behind my desk the entire day. Not to mention, I had all those pointy-ended sharp metal bits embedded in my pants, so by the end of the day my waist was marked with small cuts and bruises. It was by far the worst day of my entire working life, and that is considering that I got an ear knocked off my head one day, remember. I suppose the silver lining to this dark, dark, dark cloud of a day is that whenever I have a rough day or things don't go my way at work nowadays, I can always think back and remember the day I launched my pants button into orbit and had to make it through one long painful and uncomfortable day.
PUT YOUR SHIRT ON
This week's reader mailbag question is a very timely one. One of my new Kentucky friends and readers emailed in to ask about The Collins Chronicles and BDC T-shirts that we have available on the website. While I am more than happy to point you all to the CafePress website that we have linked from CollinsChronicles.com, I am even more delighted to tell you that we have secured a new shirt vendor this past week, and they are working on a new BDC shirt for us as we speak. As soon as they are available, I will send a pic of them out with the newsletter for anyone who is interested in getting one for themselves. I think they are going to be really cool, and they have been designed to match my wrestling gear, so they are a perfect choice of attire for anyone planning to attend my wrestling return match. As a thanks for the timely email request, we will be sending a free new shirt out to reader MYX-Marc. Rest assured, though, there will be plenty of chances for everyone else to win a shirt going forward.
TAKE MY HAT OFF
We close this week's newsletter with our Weekly Top Ten. You all know that I watch more TV than you do, but I am not sure you can fully understand the depths of my TV obsession. With that in mind, and knowing how much you all enjoy making fun of me, here is a top ten list of my TV guilty pleasures. Ten shows that I always watch, but don't really like to admit...
10-Ring of Honor on HDNet...So maybe my obsession with pro wrestling is not entirely dead...
9-Hammertime...You can't touch this. MC Hammer's reality show has a home on my DVR...
8-Grey's Anatomy...I am not even sure why I am the last male in America watching this show...
7-Dancing with the Stars...You will notice a theme of dance shows on this list...sadly...
6-Obsessed...I have a touch of OCD myself, so I have a ritual of watching every episode...
5-iCarly...It started out when I caught an episode with WDC after SpongeBob...
4-I'm 16 and Pregnant...I still consider this more of a social experiment observation on my part...
3-Big Brother After Dark...The show is bad enough, but I watch the nightly 3 hour extra footage...
2-So You Think You Can Dance?...I swear I watch it for the girls in the skimpy outfits...if that helps at all...
1-Dance Your Ass Off...I am ashamed to admit that I watch anything on the Oxygen Channel, but...I do...
Hope you enjoyed the newsletter. Email BDC@CollinsChronicles.com any time you have comments, suggestions, or ideas for The Collins Chronicles. Talk to you next week!
As always, visit us online at http://www.collinschronicles.com/
THE COLLINS CHRONICLES e-NEWSLETTER
VOL. 1 / ISSUE 12
JULY 27, 2009
"The age of a woman doesn't mean a thing. The best tunes are played on the oldest fiddles." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
I will do my best to explain how the quote above has anything to do with this week's edition of The Collins Chronicles e-Newsletter in a minute. First, I want to explain why this week's issue is a day late. Believe me, I have a good reason for my tardiness, as I am now officially able to break some news for my newsletters readers before you could hear it anywhere else on the planet.
We have officially agreed in principle on a deal for BDC to return to the world of professional wrestling for a one-night-only appearance here in Kentucky! I will be headlining a "Wrestling for the Troops" event that is being put on in Winchester, Kentucky on Friday night, October 2nd. The proceeds from the show will go to benefit a group named "Operation Homefront" that raise money to help soldiers and their families make the adjustment back to life in the States when they return from service. It is a great cause AND it is your last chance to ever see Big Daddy Collins lace up his wrestling boots and climb into the ring. I hope to see as many of you in attendance as possible at the show. We will be making arrangements for a dinner gathering of Collins Chronicles cronies after the event for those who want to hang out and catch up afterward.
I will have many more details about the show in the coming weeks and months. We have secured several sponsors for the event and will be making lots of promotional appearances in and around Lexington between now and the match. I will do my best to document the entire process here in the newsletter, both in writing and in pictures. Speaking of pictures, be sure to open the one attached to this week's newsletter and feast your eyes on the new BDC shirts we have for sale. This shirt was specifically designed and printed in honor of my retirement match and features the in-ring colors of BDC. If you are coming to the show, be sure to dress the part! Email me to order a shirt. They start at $20, but if we get enough orders, the price will drop to $15.
All of these wrestling details were hammered out earlier today inside a posh conference room at WLAP studios, so that is why I delayed the distribution of the newsletter for another day. We do our best to keep our readers informed, and you are now in the loop on the absolute latest intel in the wrestling career of BDC. If that is not enough excitement for you, be sure to keep on reading. This week's newsletter is jam-packed with interesting stuff, so you will not want to miss a minute. Let's go...
OLDER LADIES
Let me start by saying that I dearly respect older ladies. Being raised as a preacher's son, I was constantly helping them cross roads, carry things, et cetera. Older ladies are generally great cooks and tell good stories, and those are two great qualities in my book. I am really cool with hanging out with senior citizens, in general. I used to go on the senior adult trips with our old church on occasion and always enjoyed myself. I say all this to establish that I have spent a lot of time around older folks and appreciate all the wisdom that old age has brought them. With that said...nothing...and I mean NOTHING...could have prepared me for what happened while I was dining out this weekend...
I don't know of a polite or understated way to say this, so I am just going to say it. I got hit on (aggressively so) by an 81-year-old woman.
There are those of you out there who will assume (once you are done laughing) that I am exaggerating this experience somewhat to craft it into a funny story for the newsletter. I only wish that were true. If anything, I will be leaving a few things out because I don't want to think about them again. Unfortunately, I also have a witness to this whole ordeal, who was highly entertained by my plight, and would be more than willing to recount it in detail just to make fun of me.
Let me start at the beginning...an old coworker and friend of mine, Sparky, moved down to Lexington this weekend. He started work today for the same company as BDC. This weekend, I went over to check out the temporary apartment that our company provided for him, and then we headed out to get something to eat. Saturday night in Lexington is not unlike most towns, so tables at good restaurants go fast. The first place we stopped at was packed. The only two seats remaining were at the center of the bar. I never ever like to sit at the bar, but this was my favorite place in town to eat, and I did not want to walk back to the car, so the two of us settled in at the bar and ordered our food.
Trouble started for me moments later. The lady to my left had her back to me when we sat down, and she now swung her attention and her bar stool in my direction. The first comment was how nice it was to see two young men sitting at a bar and not drinking alcohol. This was somewhat ironic as an opener, because she was slurring the words a little and was clearly a handful of sheets to the wind herself. I butt-scooted my stool a few millimeters to the right and returned a few pleasant, but vaguely dismissive words in her direction. The dismissive part obviously missed the mark, though, as she filled the minutes of waiting on my food to arrive with a fairly comprehensive history of her life as a twice-widowed minister's wife.
It was during this monologue that she proudly revealed her age of 81 years. I will stop here and say that she did not look a day over 64 to me, but I know that is only going to provide more ammunition for mocking me. Once the food arrived, she laid off me for a few minutes, but no sooner had my empty plate been hauled away then she was right back on me. When I say on me...I sadly mean ON ME. At one point she was resting her head on my shoulder and more than once she whispered in my ear. Yes, I had my wedding band on, but I don't think wedding vows mean quite as much once you are over 80 and twice widowed.
I refer back to my initial declaration of respect for older ladies at this point. I will not recount every word this poor lady slurred in my direction through the course of the evening. She was a bit miffed that I did not pick up her bar tab at one point and thankfully a "friend" of hers walked in a little later in the evening and held her attention long enough for us to slide out without an awkward parting word between us. I keep telling myself that this was someone's grandmother and mother, and she clearly had let the fine Kentucky bourbon get the best of her. She was literally old enough to be my great-grandmother. Seriously. You always want to feel wanted, I guess, so the old BDC charm was still working. The key word there being "old" in this case. One thing is certain, though...I will just take Ralph Waldo Emerson at his word in the quote above and not find out for myself any time soon how the tunes sound on an older fiddle.
YOUNGER GUYS
This week's reader letter comes from an old coworker friend of BDC's back in Knoxville. Take it away, Lordy:
"A friend of mine from high school went to UK and I went up there a few times. A couple of late evenings ended at a campus establishment called the Tally-Ho, if I recall they name correctly. Seems like it was something of a Vic & Bill's late night destination. You may check it out some time if the owners haven't passed or the health department didn't shut it down."
I am always on the lookout for new restaurant recommendations, so when a Knoxville friend like Lordy took the time to recommend a place here in Lexington, I knew I had to go there and fast. I assembled my merry gang of cohorts here at work, and we made our way down to campus this past week. The restaurant is called the "Tolly-Ho," actually, and it is a campus staple for UK students. As usual, though, when BDC and company show up...weird things happen. Here is the story...
I loaded the BDC-mobile up with myself and four coworkers for a lunch outing at the Tolly-Ho. This seemingly easy task was made more difficult by the fact that the road in front of the restaurant is currently completely closed to traffic. Our only option was to park nearby and walk to the Tolly-Ho. Like most campus areas, though, the parking was entirely private or metered for blocks in all directions. No one in my travelling party had any change, so we finally found some roadside parking that accepted dollar bills. Unlike the traditional parking meters, though, you were required to display a machine-printed receipt on your dash. We put our only two dollars into the machine only to have it keep them, but be out of receipt paper for printing. We were left with no option but to leave the BDC-mobile in a metered parking spot with no proof of payment displayed anywhere.
At least the walk to the Tolly-Ho was short and the weather was pleasant. Once inside, I was first struck by the size of the restaurant. They had tons of tables and could easily hold hundreds of hungry students at one time. Lucky for us, school is still out for the summer, so the place was only occupied by a few tables of other business folks on lunch breaks. The menu at the Tolly-Ho is pretty standard diner fare. Lots of burgers and other sandwiches surrounded by an assortment of fried side items. What impressed me the most was the fact that I was able to get a 3/4-pound triple cheeseburger called the "Mega-Ho" for just $5.10! I have eaten a lot of giant burgers in my time, but this was easily one of the most economical. A great value that I highly recommend to all future Tolly-Ho diners.
I can not tell the story of this particular trip to the Tolly-Ho without recounting the experiences of two of my fellow lunch-mates for the day. They have a secret tradition at the Tolly-Ho of occasionally "welcoming" first-time guests at the restaurant by ringing a giant bell and yelling and clapping and announcing..."Ladies and gentlemen!!! If I could have your attention for a moment, please! We are pleased to welcome a first-timer here today! Puts your hands together for John Doe...the HO VIRGIN!!!" This is followed by more bell-ringing, clapping, hooting, etc. All in all, it is a soundly embarrassing experience, and one that we were able to arrange for my coworker and your fellow Collins Chronicles reader, Buckeye. Thanks for being a good sport, buddy. Your face was beet red, but you took it in stride.
Unfortunately, the same can not be said for another of our lunch gang. Special K is a young guy. He is fresh out of college and has not travelled much, so his life experiences are slim at this point, and I understand that. What can not be explained, though, is how anyone living in America could have looked any more confused while eating a giant cheeseburger. Special K followed my lead and ordered the Mega-Ho, and for that I salute him. For everything else that followed, I am ashamed to have even shared a table with him. It felt like the poor kid had never witnessed meat being served between bread before. I am fairly certain that a mentally challenged meerkat could have eaten this burger with more decorum.
Don't get me wrong...the Mega-Ho comes covered in a special "Ho Sauce" (unfortunately named, I know), so it is a legitimately messy burger. I needed a couple of extra napkins myself. Special K needed an environmental cleanup crew when he was done. About two bites into the burger, his top bun folded back on itself and fell to the plate. Rather than reposition the bun and continue eating, Special K devoured the top bun in one giant bite. I was dumbfounded. Most of us realize that when attempting to eat a burger without a fork (AKA like a man) that the top bun is a very important asset to utilize. Especially considering the burger was topped with loads of melted cheeses and secret sauce. Words do not do justice to the scene that played out as this poor kid finished his burger. He was forced to sink all eight fingers into the saucy cheese landscape of the top half while using his two thumbs as safety hooks into the abandoned bottom bun. He had burger debris from nose to chin and ear to ear. I have never shared a table with a bear before, but I imagine the stares we got from other diners were very similar to those a grizzly would have drawn.
All in all, my visit to the Tolly-Ho was a memorable one. My car did not get towed away. I got a huge cheeseburger for five bucks. I got to see Buckeye's face turn Ohio State red. Lastly, I will never be able to purge the image of a 22-year-old man eating a burger like it was fighting back against him somehow. My thanks to Lordy in Knoxville for the inspiration. I will be back to the Tolly-Ho in the future, for sure.
THE REST OF US
We close this week's newsletter with our Weekly Top Ten. I got lots and lots of emails last week about the button mishap I recounted from my past. It turns out that many readers had lived through similar "wardrobe malfunctions." One of those reader emails, though, also asked when we would be running our next reader-voted tournament. If you are new to The Collins Chronicles, each year we have a reader-voted tournament to crown a champion of some segment of pop culture. Two years ago, we named Led Zeppelin the greatest rock band of all time. Last year, we named The Office as the greatest TV show of the past decade.
With that in mind, I have assembled a list of ten topics that could potentially fill out a tournament bracket for us this year. Many of these were submitted by readers in the past. This week, please take a second to send me a reply letting me know which of the ten topics below you think would make for the best tournament. The ten candidates (in no particular order) are:
10 - The Greatest Sports Movie of All Time
9 - The Greatest Comedy Movie of All Time
8 - The Greatest Professional Wrestler of All Time
7 - The Greatest Album of All Time (what's an album?)
6 - The Greatest Cartoon of All Time
5 - The Greatest Restaurant Chain in America
4 - The Greatest Athlete of BDC's Life (1980-Present)
3 - The Greatest Song of All Time
2 - The Greatest Movie of the 1980's
1 - The Greatest Food Item of All (your desert island food)
Email me with your picks! Our annual tournament is a democracy and not a dictatorship...
Hope you enjoyed the newsletter. Email BDC@CollinsChronicles.com any time you have comments, suggestions, or ideas for The Collins Chronicles. Talk to you next week!
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