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The Collins Chronicles e-Newsletter - June Editions
This entry was posted on 7/12/2009 5:56 PM and is filed under Biographical.
THE COLLINS CHRONICLES e-NEWSLETTER
VOL. 1 / ISSUE 5
JUNE 7, 2009
"The life of the creative man is lead, directed and controlled by boredom. Avoiding boredom is one of our most important purposes." - Saul Steinberg
I have not come across many quotes that have ever struck a stronger chord with me than the quote above. For as long as I can remember, I have been guilty of becoming easily bored with things in life. Bored at school, bored at work, bored in general. In fact, several of the more creative (some would say crazier) ideas that I have had in life came as a result of daydreaming while being bored. Krystal Pizza was the result of a boring high school calculus class. The Collins Chronicles website was launched to help fight through a particularly boring stretch of work life at my former employer. As a matter of fact, the first email address I ever had was "BoredDude" at blah, blah, blah. I kid you not. I mention all this because this very weekend has been one of the most boring that I can ever remember having. If history is any indicator, that should mean I am due for some sort of really creative outburst, so be prepared and don't say I did not warn you.
In this week's edition, we will provide an update on the Kentucky Culinary Challenge that has escalated this past week. We will answer some reader email, and then give you a chance to provide some answers of your own in our weekly top ten. Hope you enjoy the reading and come back again next week.
BDC vs LEXINGTON TALK RADIO
When last we spoke, BDC was trading barbs with a local talk radio producer about which of us was man enough to tackle the Cumberland Corn Dog Pizza alone. Despite talking a big game, the radio station opted to have their producer fly solo, and he managed to eat the pizza on Tuesday of this week in just under two hours. He also managed to hurl a few more insults in my direction between bites. During one live radio segment, he called me "Justine...the female pro wrestler from Tennessee" and during another he said after finishing the pizza he would have to run to the bathroom, but at least he would not "have to sit down to pee like BDC." He even went as far as to insinuate that he would be willing to challenge me to a wrestling match.
While I will take nothing away from our new radio nemesis being able to eat an entire Corn Dog Pizza, I have no doubt that I can thoroughly beat his time of two hours. When I informed him of my intentions to arrange my own meeting with the Corn Dog Pizza on Father's Day Weekend, the negotiations for a mutual food showdown began. After lots of back and forth discussion, we eliminated pizza, hot dogs, doughnuts, pie, and hamburgers as the competitive food of choice. In the end, we have decided on Chick-fil-a chicken biscuits as the contest of choice. The event is tentatively scheduled for Saturday, June 13th at high noon as a portion of the "entertainment" at a local festival in town. If all sides come to an agreement this week, BDC will have 20 or 30 minutes to eat chicken biscuits like a man possessed.
Again, I promise to keep everyone posted on the latest developments. If anyone is interested, there are some online podcasts available for download where you can listen to my new nemesis as he eats the Corn Dog Pizza and talks trash about BDC. I will warn you, the podcasts are three hours long, so you will have to search a little bit for the good parts, but email me if you have the time and want the link. Other than that, keep your fingers crossed that the deal gets done, and this time next week, I will be emailing as the newly crowned Kentucky Chicken Biscuit Champion!
BDC vs THE READERS
This week, we will use the Weekly Top Ten to test your knowledge of BDC and give you a chance to win a Collins Chronicles prize.
One of the most popular things to do on Facebook is to design "quizzes" for your friends to see how well they know you. For this week's top ten, I have taken the BDC quiz from my Facebook profile and posted it below. Any and all readers who are able to get all ten answers correct will receive a gift from The Collins Chronicles. If you have already attempted the quiz online, you are not eligible to take it again from the newsletter, obviously. Everyone else can email their answers to me at BDC@CollinsChronicles.com. I will warn you that a perfect score is going to be tough. Even my wife and mother posted 80% scores, though Wife of BDC was immediately upset at herself for the two questions that she missed. I am sure there is someone out there who can ace this test...(this means you, Chuckwagon or KastleKeep)
1) What sport did I letter in during high school?
a) Football
b) Tennis
c) Golf
d) Track
2) Which of the following is NOT one of my lifetime achievements?
a) High school valedictorian
b) County spelling bee champion
c) Pinned Tennessee wrestling champ in a title match
d) Lost my left ear in an accident
3) What number inductee into the Krystal Hall of Fame am I?
a) 61
b) 51
c) 41
d) 31
4) Which of the following was NOT used as ring entrance music for BDC?
a) "Walk" - Pantera
b) "Back in Black" - AC/DC
c) "Welcome to the Jungle" - Guns N' Roses
d) "Game On" - Disciple
5) Which state have I NOT lived in?
a) Tennessee
b) Kentucky
c) North Carolina
d) South Carolina
6) Which of the following is my dream job?
a) Professional taste tester
b) Mixed martial arts journalist
c) Director of logistics for WWE
d) Writer for TV sitcoms
7) Which professional wrestling star was my inspiration to become a wrestler?
a) Dusty Rhodes
b) Junkyard Dog
c) Chris Benoit
d) Kevin Nash
8) Which movie do I credit with inspiring the name of my son?
a) The Wizard of Oz
b) The Whole Nine Yards
c) The Godfather
d) Over the Top
9) What am I allergic to?
a) Peanuts
b) Grass
c) Cats
d) Florida Gator fans
BDC vs THE MAILBAG
This week's most popular email questions were all centered around one of my favorite topics: Wee Daddy Collins. Just to answer several inquiries at once, WDC is doing very good these days and growing and changing almost hourly it seems. He is walking pretty well now, and prefers it to crawling the majority of the time. He really enjoys riding his Power Wheels in the backyard and climbing anything he can get a grip on. Other than "MahMah" and "DahDah," his preferred language is an impressive gibberish that he apparently speaks fluently. His favorite TV show is still SpongeBob SquarePants, and his favorite food is Goldfish crackers.
Lastly, I got several questions about the picture that I have attached to this week's newsletter when I posted it on Facebook and proclaimed it one of my favorite pictures ever taken of my son. I mentioned in the caption to the picture there only a handful of people in the world would appreciate the picture as much as I did. Basically, the TV screen behind WDC is showing the post-fight comments of Petey Williams after his amazing head kick knockout of Mark "The Hammer" Coleman at an old UFC event that we were watching in our family room. Only a few moments after watching Coleman get whacked with a kick he did not see until it was too late, WDC turned around to his mother and I and struck this picture-perfect imitated pose of "The Hammer" right before he was removed from consciousness. It is an odd and uncanny photo that no one else can possibly enjoy as much as I do, but it is one of those great moments in parenthood that you can not truly imagine until you live them. Lucky for me, we captured this one on camera. Hope you like it now that you have some back story.
For those that enjoy the WDC photos that we include in the newsletter from time to time, be sure and become Facebook friends of BDC and Wife, as that is the first place that we publish all new pictures.
Hope you enjoyed the newsletter. Email BDC@CollinsChronicles.com any time you have comments, suggestions, or ideas for The Collins Chronicles. Talk to you next week!
As always, visit us online at http://www.collinschronicles.com/
THE COLLINS CHRONICLES e-NEWSLETTER
VOL. 1 / ISSUE 6
JUNE 15, 2009
"And it's sweet, sweet, sweet victory, and it's ours for the taking. It's ours for the fight!" - SpongeBob SquarePants and the Bikini Bottom Band
This week's big news is definitely BDC's triumph as the 2009 Kentucky Chicken Biscuit-Eating Champion! I will probably not order another chicken biscuit to eat for quite some time, but the thrill of victory was well worth the agony of "the eat." There will be much more discussion of the gut-wrenching developments on Saturday in a moment.
In this week's edition, we will provide a full report of the Chicken Biscuit Battle of 2009. We will have our first Collins Chronicles Road Report since the newsletter made its debut. Lastly, our weekly top ten will consist of the answers and reader rankings from last week's round of BDC trivia. As always, we hope you enjoy the reading and come back again next week.
DON'T COUNT YOUR CHICKEN BISCUITS UNTIL THEY'RE SWALLOWED...
The date was June 13th, 2009. The scene was the Lexington Flag Day Freedom Festival taking place on the grounds of the peaceful and beautiful Talon Winery. The contest was most chicken biscuits eaten whole in twenty minutes. The only legal liquid aid was bottled water and dunking was prohibited. The start time was high noon.
That was the specifics of the scene BDC found himself walking into this past weekend. After several weeks of trading barbs on the radio, the Chicken Biscuit Battle was officially contested. After several rounds of negotiations, my radio producer opponent chose to select a pinch-eater for himself. My stand-in foe was a local Lexington business owner with a resume of eating achievements that rivaled my own. We exchanged friendly handshakes before the biscuits hit the table, but the tension was palpable.
In an unusual bit of scheduling, the chicken biscuit contest hit the stage immediately after a Kentucky historian finished a lecture on the significance of area residents in the early history of the US. To say the crowd was pumped up for some action at this point would be a gross overstatement. Regardless, the enthusiasm of the announcer along with the curiosity of seeing two large piles of chicken biscuits caused a crowd of 100-125 people to gather around. Here was the intro that I received...
"Our first competitor is originally from Knoxville, Tennessee, but now resides in northwest Lexington. He is an experienced food blogger who today brings with him to the table an impressive resume of eating accomplishments. He is a 2007 inductee into the Krystal Hamburger Hall of Fame and his picture has been displayed on the walls of restaurants around the country in recognition of his diverse displays of digestive dedication. Introducing the man known simply as BDC - Justen "Big Daddy" Collins!"
After a similar introduction for my competitor, it was down to the business at hand. We each had a pile of twelve Chick-fil-a (who graciously sponsored the contest) chicken biscuits in front of us and twenty minutes to eat them. Most of you are aware that I have always considered myself a "marathon eater" and not a "sprint eater." I am much better at eating over the course of an hour than I am at five or ten minute speed bursts of eating. With that said, I was hopeful that the twenty minute timeframe would be sufficient to outlast my competition, if they excelled in speed eating.
Right out of the gate, I made a rookie mistake that cost me close to a minute. I grabbed the first biscuit and took a mammoth bite out of it that immediately slowed me down. It was too large to be chewed effectively, and the dryness of biscuit had my mouth feeling like a desert. It took me the entire first minute to recover from this setback and finish a single bite. By the time I had finished my first biscuit, my opponent was working on number three, and I thought I might be in a little trouble.
The radio station that instigated the contest had also taken the time to produce a techno-music song about chicken biscuits that was played over the speakers for the entire twenty minutes. It was funny at first, but became quite nerve-wracking over the course of the contest. I am not sure what music I would have wanted played while I ate chicken biscuits, but I was ready for the track to change, that is for sure.
We were each allowed to use as much bottled water as necessary, but were not allowed to "dunk" the biscuits in water much like the competitive eaters on television do. In hindsight now, I completely understand why they use that method. I learned a lot about speed eating this weekend, and while I have no plans to compete in that genre again, if I ever did, I would be a dunker now.
After some trial and error on biscuits one through three, I found a very nice rhythm and smoked through biscuits four through six. By the time we reached the ten minute mark, I was one biscuit ahead and just behind pace to finish all twelve inside the time limit. Somewhere, shortly after the twelve minute mark, I heard my competitor muttering prayers under his breath and looking green around the gills. I had stretched my lead out to two biscuits, and they had brought the "chuck bucket" out for him, but to his credit he held his lunch in. I realized that I, too, had hit the wall somewhere around the sixteen minute mark. I saw that I was still two biscuits ahead and decided just to match my opponent bite for bite for the remainder of the time and take home the victory.
The one rule of competitive eating, of course, is that anyone who pukes is disqualified. For whatever reason, I started thinking a lot about how unfortunate it would be to have a big lead and the lose it by puking in the final minutes of the contest. I think I thought about it so much, actually, that I nearly brought the event into fruition. With thirty seconds left on the clock, I shoved in my last bite of biscuit and inexplicably gagged on it...HARD. I glanced over in horror at my cheering section and locked eyes with my good friend Mr. Clothesline (kudos for driving up from Tennessee to support BDC). At first, he thought I was joking, but I was not. I had a near brush with disaster, but with the help of some well-timed water and breathing, I kept it down and won the title.
All in all, it was a weird, wild and completely memorable day for BDC, family and friends. I finished off eight full Chick-fil-a chicken biscuits in eighteen minutes. If that does not sound like much, I invite you to sit down and try to beat it. I was very surprised myself at how hard that number was to reach. I was just happy to get the win without really making myself ill. Not everyone will get the reference, but at the five biscuit mark, I looked over at my opponent and saw the "Jan Ullrich look of despair" and left him in the dust. The attached picture should give you some idea of what a platter with a dozen chicken biscuits looks like.
DON'T THINK YOU HAVE BDC FIGURED OUT JUST YET...
Last week, we used the Weekly Top Ten to test your knowledge of BDC and give you a chance to win a Collins Chronicles prize. The results came in, and while no one managed a perfect score, we have a winner and several other folks who know me pretty well, indeed. Here is a recap of the questions and their answers:
1) What sport did I letter in during high school?
a) Football
b) Tennis - No wisecracks
c) Golf
d) Track
2) Which of the following is NOT one of my lifetime achievements?
a) High school valedictorian
b) County spelling bee champion
c) Pinned Tennessee wrestling champ in a title match - I pinned him, but it was a non-title match, sadly.
d) Lost my left ear in an accident
3) What number inductee into the Krystal Hall of Fame am I?
a) 61
b) 51 - A commonly-missed question. Guess I need to promote this better...
c) 41
d) 31
4) Which of the following was NOT used as ring entrance music for BDC?
a) "Walk" - Pantera - A REALLY tough question that a lot of people managed to answer correctly somehow
b) "Back in Black" - AC/DC
c) "Welcome to the Jungle" - Guns N' Roses
d) "Game On" - Disciple
5) Which state have I NOT lived in?
a) Tennessee
b) Kentucky
c) North Carolina
d) South Carolina - Many visits, but never a resident...yet...
6) Which of the following is my dream job?
a) Professional taste tester
b) Mixed martial arts journalist - Lots of you thought I would make a good taster, I guess
c) Director of logistics for WWE
d) Writer for TV sitcoms
7) Which professional wrestling star was my inspiration to become a wrestler?
a) Dusty Rhodes
b) Junkyard Dog
c) Chris Benoit
d) Kevin Nash - A tall and handsome UT grad like myself
8) Which movie do I credit with inspiring the name of my son?
a) The Wizard of Oz
b) The Whole Nine Yards - The story is on the website in case you have not heard it
c) The Godfather
d) Over the Top
9) What am I allergic to?
a) Peanuts
b) Grass
c) Cats - I am allergic to cats, but I get pretty irritable around Gator fans, too
d) Florida Gator fans
As a special bonus this week, here is a second ranking of the top ten scores that were submitted on the BDC quiz:
1) Chuckwagon - the brother of BDC proves that the bonds of brotherhood are hard to top...even though we have not even lived in the same states much in the last five years or so
2) Flash Fanoy - former tag team partner and wrestling rival of BDC posts a score that nearly took the top spot
3) Mother of BDC - I am a momma's boy, so this one is no surprise at all
4) Wife of BDC - a couple of careless answers cost my spouse the top spot
5) KastleKeep - my one-time mentor and current great friend lands safely in the top five
6) Navy - a very solid score from one of BDC's longest running friends
7) Fan Halen - long-lost high school chum of BDC resurfaces with a top ten score
8) Sparky - coworker turned friend of BDC pulls an upset by making the top ten
9) Buckeye - new coworker and chum of BDC is only Kentucky acquaintance to make the list
10) Wisconsin Gary - Final spot on the list goes to WG, another long ago coworker turned good friend
Thanks to everyone who took the quiz. Chuckwagon, you can collect your prize the next time we are in the same town. For everyone else, hopefully you learned a couple of fun new facts about BDC and that is a prize in itself, right?.
DON'T FORGET TO WRITE
We close this week's newsletter with a brief recap of our latest Collins Chronicles Road Trip. After winning the chicken biscuit battle, BDC, Wife, WDC and the Clotheslines loaded into the BDC-mobile and headed north to action-packed Cincinnati, Ohio. While there are any number of entertainment options to occupy your time in Cincinnati, on this particular occasion our destination was one of the world's largest international grocery stores, Jungle Jim's.
I will not take the time here to recount the incredible history of Jungle Jim and his amazing market, because those of you who are interested can pull up their website which does a better job than I ever could of telling their story. What I will take the time to do is recommend that anyone passing through Cincinnati make a point visit this most amazing of supermarkets. The parking lot is a cross between an amusement park and a zoo. Big waterfalls and wild animal statues make you feel as though you are about to do something way more exciting than grocery shop, and in a lot of ways, you really are.
Jungle Jim's is six acres of shopping under one roof. Food, drinks, and other goods from around the globe are showcased in a creative and eye-catching fashion. I spent close to an hour in the aisles filled with soft drinks from every corner of the globe and bought a few exotic ones to try. Bear in mind, I had just eaten eight chicken biscuits, so I was definitely more thirsty than hungry. There is a life-sized fire truck display covered in thousands upon thousands of hot sauces. One aisle over is a display of more barbecue sauces than a man could use in a lifetime. I could go on all day and night about the bizarre varieties of meat and cheeses, candies and breads, that can be found at Jungle Jim's, but I will stop here and tell you once again how you need to visit this place for yourself sometime.
After leaving Jungle Jim's, we headed over to The Cheesecake Factory for a celebratory dinner. BDC was about seven hours removed from the chicken biscuit battle, so I was not exactly hungry, but I still managed to put away some chicken pasta and help Wife of BDC with her cheesecake. The Cheesecake Factory is one of BDC and family's favorite spots to eat, so it is probably a good thing the closest one is an hour or so away in Cincinnati.
Hope you enjoyed the newsletter. Email BDC@CollinsChronicles.com any time you have comments, suggestions, or ideas for The Collins Chronicles. Talk to you next week!
THE COLLINS CHRONICLES e-NEWSLETTER
VOL. 1 / ISSUE 7
JUNE 21, 2009
"My father didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it."- Clarence Budington Kelland
Happy Father's Day 2009! I hope all of the fathers out there reading are having a good time and enjoying their families this weekend. Welcome to the Father's Day edition of The Collins Chronicles e-Newsletter!
I never met Clarence Budington Kelland, but I think he and I had a little bit in common. We were both lucky enough to have fathers that were role models for us. My dad was not the "do as I say" kind of guy. Don't get me wrong; he was a disciplinarian when I was a kid. The great thing, though, is that in my entire life, I never had to wonder whether my dad would approve or disapprove of anything I ever did. All I had to do was look at the example that my dad lived, and I had the perfect pattern for a loving Christian friend, son, husband, father, leader and man in general to follow. My dad used the Bible to lead his steps and, in turn, our family. I respected my dad my entire life, but in the fifteen months since I myself became a father, my respect and admiration for him have grown exponentially. Every day that I wake up and face the challenges of raising my son and leading my family in our increasingly chaotic world, I am more and more amazed at the peaceful and loving environment that my father and mother were able to provide for my brother and me. My parents were passing through Lexington this weekend on their way to the annual Southern Baptist Convention, so I got to attend church and have lunch with my dad and son. How could I ask for a better Father's Day gift than that?
I hope everyone out there had a great Father's Day, too. For those with father's who have already passed on, I hope you are able to reflect back on some good memories. Having a great father is an enormous asset in life, and I am blessed enough to have one. Now, I just have to make sure and live up to my end of the bargain and be the best dad I can be for WDC.
As you can probably already tell, this week's newsletter is going to be a little different than usual. No, it is not going to be as serious as the opening segment would lead you to believe. This week has been especially wild and wacky for BDC, and I have recorded evidence for you to review and draw your own conclusions about my sanity. Without further ado, let's get down to biz-ness in the latest installment of The Collins Chronicles e-Newsletter!
LISTEN FOR YOURSELF
I am not going to provide too much in the way of an introduction to this audio link. It would take me hundreds of typed words to recap a story that is laid out pretty well in the first five minutes of this recording. As you are aware from the past few weeks I have had an escalating feud with a local radio station, and...well...this week, it finally boiled over on the air. Listen for yourself, by clicking the link below.
The first 10-15 minutes are all me, but be sure to listen through or jump ahead to the 30-minute mark for a special guest appearance by KastleKeep, my dear friend and newsletter subscriber from North Carolina. Rest assured, it is WELL worth the listening...
SPEAK FOR YOURSELF
There will not be any reader emails this week. I have a strong suspicion that the link above is going to generate more than enough emails for me to respond to next week, so I am giving you the week off.
DECIDE FOR YOURSELF
This week, our Weekly Top Ten will pay tribute to Father's Day. I will attempt to rank the top ten famous father-son duos. Here goes...
10 - Martin & Charlie Sheen (and Emilio Estevez) - One of the most famous (and infamous) Hollywood families.
9 - Dale Earnhardt, Sr & Dale Earnhardt, Jr - I am no fan of either, but I love me some comfortable Wrangler Jeans.
8 - Paul Teutul, Sr & Paul Teutul, Jr - Who knew it could so much fun to watch a motorcycle being assembled?
7 - Kirk & Michael Douglas - Two very versatile actors that could have passed for brothers for a long time.
6 - Cowboy Bob & Randy Orton - A couple of decent wrestlers, but both made it big and the latter was born in Knoxville.
5 - Archie & Peyton Manning - Yes, I know Archie had other son's, but none of them went to UT and this is my list.
4 - Dusty & Dustin Rhodes - One of the first father-son wrestling pairs to really capture the hearts of America.
3 - Donald & Kiefer Sutherland - Two guys who almost always deliver memorable acting performances.
TIE 1 - John & John Quincy Adams / George H. & George W. Bush - When you AND your son are both the most powerful men in the world at one point...hard to top.
How did I do? Who did I forget? Let me know and drop me an email.
WATCH FOR YOURSELF
I used to go and watch a lot of movies. I really enjoy the whole experience of going to a movie theater, eating some popcorn, watching the previews, the stadium seats, all of it (minus the exorbitant cost of tickets and concessions these days). Ever since WDC came along and we moved north, we have less spare time and no babysitters, so I have not seen a movie in months and months.
That changed this weekend, though. My parents were here to babysit, so BDC and Wife got to have a rare "date night," so we headed out to see "The Hangover." I have already used up a ton of your time in listening to my radio appearance above, so I will not give you a full Siskel and Ebert or anything, but I will say that I thought "The Hangover" was absolutely hysterical. There is no doubt that it earns its R-rating, so it is definitely not for the kids, but the adults will probably be very entertained. My wife and I both laughed a LOT and several times I would be laughing while she was groaning and I would groan at something that made her laugh, so I think the comedic efforts of this film have a little something for all tastes.
I definitely give "The Hangover" a thumbs up and a recommendation to watch it when you have the chance. If nothing else, you have to see Mike Tyson steal the show in just the two or three scenes that he is in. I have always been a Tyson fan, but he is funny no matter what your opinion of him is going in.
SEE FOR YOURSELF
I don't usually like to do teasers for the newsletter, because as you can plainly see...sometimes I get into weird situations from week to week that demand our immediate discussion. I will promise, though, that in next week's newsletter, we will have our first restaurant review of the new email format. This past week, I loaded a couple of coworkers into the BDC-mobile and we headed out into the wilderness of eastern Kentucky and tried out a little chain of restaurants known as the "Dairy Cheer." I can promise that I have some strong feelings about this particular establishment, but you will have to tune in next week to find out whether they are positive or negative in nature.
Hope you enjoyed the newsletter. Email BDC@CollinsChronicles.com any time you have comments, suggestions, or ideas for The Collins Chronicles. Talk to you next week!
THE COLLINS CHRONICLES e-NEWSLETTER
VOL. 1 / ISSUE 8
JUNE 28, 2009
"We send our condolences out to the families of Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson and Billy Mays. A truly sad week for American pop culture." - BDC
We have all been bombarded these last few days with coverage of celebrity deaths and the associated tributes, analysis, and retrospectives. I will admit to getting hypnotized for an evening by the coverage of the shocking death of Michael Jackson. It is mesmerizing to see the reactions of some of our fellow Americans when their heroes and celebrities pass away. The scenes from California around the death of "The King of Pop" were downright bizarre.
I was personally much more unsettled by the news of the untimely death of ever-present product pitchman Billy Mays. It is hard to be too surprised to see Michael Jackson die young, as he always appeared to be very frail and in poor health when he made his rare public appearances. Billy Mays, on the other hand, was constantly in our faces and was always full of life and enthusiasm. I had just recently become a fan of Billy Mays through watching his reality series on The Discovery Channel named "Pitchmen." Here is a guy that produced a million-dollar career out of nothing more than his own sheer will and endless amounts of enthusiasm and charisma.
A recent episode of "Pitchmen" featured all of Billy's family being involved in one of his commercials. Sadly, Billy leaves behind a very young daughter and a college-aged son who also sports his trademark beard. My heart goes out to these kids and the rest of Billy's family and friends. The early reports seem to indicate that Billy passed away peacefully in his sleep, and while that is no solace to his family right now, it is a ironically quiet end for a man who made his living at full vocal volume.
I am not sure what will become of the "Pitchmen" reality show. I am not sure when I will ever buy another infomercial product. Love or hate Billy Mays, everyone knew him and you had to respect his work ethic and his personal success story. The world painted him as a corny carnival sideshow barker, and Billy Mays took those proverbial lemons and sold them to next guy for a quick profit. I am not sure when we will ever see another individual like Billy Mays, and I for one will really miss waiting to see what he was going to pitch on TV next.
It has been a very melancholy week in our country, but the remainder of this newsletter promises to be upbeat. I have another unique personal experience to recount that will once again allow you to get a laugh at my expense. Our reader email feedback section turns into a thank you note from BDC, and the Top Ten ranking for the week is a tribute to the work of Michael Jackson. Lastly, BDC has been out on the restaurant review trail, and as promised last week, we will break down a couple of good old country establishments and the misadventures we had at one of them. Let's not waste another second...onward with the newsletter!
ONE BAD HAIRCUT
A bad haircut can happen to anyone. Cutting hair is more art than science, and every now and again even a trained professional has an off-day or just runs into a head that they were just not "cut out" to work on. Pun intended and self-amusing. I know there are a couple of folks on this newsletter that make their living cutting hair, and I want to say from the start that this story is not meant to be an indictment on your profession. I have had lots of great haircuts in my life, and more often than not even a run-of-the-mill haircut is more than satisfactory for me. I am not the "metro-sexual" type. All I want to do is keep the hair off my ears and neck and not look like a moron in the process. I think that is a pretty low bar to set, right?
When we lived in Tennessee, I had a great barber shop that was just a few minutes from my house. Sometimes, I could honestly leave my house, get a haircut, and be back in my house inside ten minutes time. Even with that speed, Miss Dorothy at the Louisville Barber Shop never gave me anything remotely approaching a bad haircut. I tried and tried to find a similar barber shop once we got settled in Kentucky, but nothing fit the bill. After lots of research, I ended up at becoming a customer of a place called "Big League Barbers." This is one of those sports-themed shops aimed at men like myself. I decided if I could not find a really good hometown barber shop, I would at least go to one that has a TV built into the armrest of the barber chair. That is how I roll. Sure, it costs me like $15, but I get to watch SpongeBob while they work.
Now, we come to the part where you get to laugh at my pain...again. I have been going to Big League Barbers pretty much ever since we moved and never had any issue with the quality of their work. I had to wait a long time on a couple occasions, but nothing to complain about. That is, until this weekend. The barber shop is located adjacent to a local diner named Ramsey's that is a big-time favorite of our family, so I had WDC and Wife go ahead and get us a table in the diner and order for me while I ran next door to get my ears lowered.
There was almost no wait, and the convenience of having a delicious Ramsey's meal being ordered for me simultaneous to my haircut had me feeling really good. My first inkling that trouble was brewing happened when my number came up, and I was greeted by a lady that I had never seen working there before. Having been a patron of this establishment for months now, I had gotten to the point that I at least recognized all of the employees, but this lady was definitely new. We will consider that to be sign number one that you are getting a bad haircut.
I dropped myself into the barber chair and tuned in some poker coverage on ESPN. I was still feeling okay about things, because I realize the hair industry can be a very transient line of work. That was until I noticed sign number two that I was getting a bad haircut. Sign number two is when the person cutting your hair has to stop the process repeatedly and consult a tiny booklet that they keep folded up in their pants pocket. I am not sure what it was, but I now suspect it might have been a pocket edition of "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Hair Clippers." That is the kicker here, folks. Cutting my hair is not rocket science...at all. It does not even involve scissors! All you need are a set of those fancy electric clippers and two different length guards for them.
After a longer than usual amount of time had elapsed and she finally put the clippers down, I had a pretty good idea that I had just received a bad haircut. What can you really do in that situation? It makes no sense at all to ask the person who just jacked your hair up in the first place to take another crack at it, can you? I probably would have left bald if I pushed my luck any further. Instead, I decided to pay my bill, go eat a delicious meal next door, and then try my best to repair the damage at home. As I settled into my chair at Ramsey's Diner, I had my first encounter with sign number three that you have gotten a bad haircut. The mysterious lady who had just butchered my hair next door was now our waitress!
Listen, I know lots and lots of people work two jobs, but this was too much to handle. My head looked like it had been trimmed with a weed-whacker by this lady and now she is bringing my refills and asking if I want a slice of pie for dessert. This is where the truly ironic and sad part comes in. For the second time in under an hour, I was forced by the norms of society to leave a monetary tip for a person that treated my head like a Chia product. These sorts of things only happen to me, I know. I have now been able to repair the majority of the damage done to my head, so I leave this story to all of you as a cautionary tale. A bad haircut can happen to anyone, but if you watch for the signs...and run away when you see them...it may not have to happen to you!
ONE GREAT READER LETTER
I got lots of emails and phone calls this week after most of you got a chance to listen to the podcast of my Lexington radio appearance last week. As an update, the match is officially on, but we have yet to finalize a date, time and location. As soon as those details are settled, I will be sure to report them immediately in the newsletter in case any of you are willing and able to make the trip to support BDC in his return to the wrestling ring and support a local charity in the process. It promises to be a very, very memorable event.
With all of the wrestling and radio-related feedback, though, it was a letter that I received via snail mail from an old friend that deserves special mention this week. The letter came from "Van Rabern" who attended high school and college with BDC. We recently reconnected after a chance encounter in Nashville, Tennessee at a Flight of the Conchords concert. VR's letter itself was nice enough, but the cool points were mostly scored by the gift he enclosed. My old friend managed to score a few authentic Mark Tremonti guitar picks from the upcoming summer reunion tour of Creed, and he decided to share one with BDC. It is an incredibly cool addition to my pop culture collectibles and a very thoughtful gift on the part of an old friend. The moral of the story this week is that...while gifts for BDC are not required to subscribe to the newsletter...they are certainly a great way to get yourself mentioned! Well played, Van Rabern. Well played indeed.
ONE IMPRESSIVE CAREER
Love or hate Michael Jackson, his list of career achievements are impossible to dispute. The man sold so many millions of albums from his childhood on that the numbers really boggle the mind. This week, our Weekly Top Ten will pay tribute to Michael Jackson's musical legacy. I was never the biggest Jackson fan in the world, but everyone can come up with ten of his songs that they could not help but sing along with. Here are my personal top ten Michael Jackson songs:
10 - Don't Stop 'til You Get Enough
9 - Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'
8 - Black or White
7 - The Way You Make Me Feel
6 - Bad
5 - Billie Jean
4 - Man in the Mirror
3 - Thriller
2 - Beat It
1 - Smooth Criminal
How did I do? Which of your favorite songs did I forget or completely underrate? Let me know and drop me an email.
TWO ORIGINAL RESTAURANTS
The LLP is coming back. This past week, BDC loaded up the BDC-mobile on not one, but two different occasions, and headed out to try a couple of different restaurants. This week, we will discuss the Dairy Cheer in Carlisle, Kentucky and Louden Square Buffet, which is just minutes outside of downtown Lexington, Kentucky.
Our first road trip consisted of BDC and two of his Kentucky coworkers, Buckeye and Special K. We headed about 45 minutes east of Lexington to reach the nearest location of an eastern Kentucky chain of restaurants called the Dairy Cheer. The Dairy Cheer in Carlisle is out of the way, to say the least. I am not sure why you would ever drive by it unless you were intending to stop there, honestly. It is way out there in the sticks. With that said, as soon as we walked into the Dairy Cheer, I immediately saw that it was one of the cleanest and most inviting restaurants that I had walked in for quite some time. The building itself was nearly new. The floors were spotless. The tables and chairs were all clean and looked new. There were nice flat-screen TVs on the walls. It was quite a ways away from the small-town diner atmosphere you would expect from its surroundings.
The specialties at the Dairy Cheer are the "SmashBurgers" and the milkshakes, so we decided to try them both out. A "SmashBurger" is made by "smashing" a ball of freshly ground beef on a flat-top grill and cooking it to a crispy exterior, but juicy and delicious center. I can not say enough good things about the Dairy Cheer "SmashBurgers." They were incredibly delicious and outrageously low-priced. I had a SmashBurger, a chili dog, fries and a large milkshake for under ten dollars. The milkshake was noteworthy, as well. The Dairy Cheer took vanilla soft-serve ice cream and made their shakes with customer-requested additions. I had a shake with hot fudge and hot caramel added to it, and I wish I had never reached the bottom of the cup. If not for the distant location, BDC and family would become regulars at the Dairy Cheer. If you ever find yourself trekking across eastern Kentucky, and you come across a Dairy Cheer in your travels, be sure and drop in and enjoy one of those great roadside hidden gems.
My second road trip of the week was to Louden Square Buffet in downtown Lexington. The BDC-mobile was loaded with yours truly as well as Buckeye, Special K, and our boss from work, aka Dwight Yoakam's Biggest Fan. I had heard LSB described as an all-you-can-eat version of a couple of my favorite local Lexington lunch spots, so I was excited for this trip. All of you know how much I appreciate the value proposition of the buffet style restaurant. This particular lunch was full of issues, though.
First of all, when we arrived at Louden Square, there was not a parking spot to be found in the lot. After we circled the parking lot twice, we decided to park the BDC-mobile in a somewhat illegal position beside the neighboring Subway restaurant. We proceeded to jaywalk across to the buffet (three of the four of us did, anyway) and found our spot in line at the buffet. After filling our plates to overflowing, we arrived at the cash register at the end of the line to discover that LSB does not accept credit cards. Not a single member of our party was carrying any cash at all. We are all from the Year 2009 after all, sheesh. Luckily for us, Dwight Yoakam's One Man Fan Club did have his checkbook with him, and they would accept a personal check to cover the four of us.
The food itself at LSB was actually really good. The place is falling apart and features mismatched tables, chairs, silverware and glasses. If you are scoring style points, Louden Square Buffet will lose badly. The serving line, though, will make you feel like you are attending a church potluck dinner where all the members actually know how to cook. I was actually starting to really enjoy the place when I looked outside and saw the BDC-mobile being pointed out for towing by the manager of the Subway.
I am never a fan of sprinting. I find it especially grueling when you have to sprint immediately after consuming a large plate of Salisbury steak and potatoes. Despite my misgivings, I thought it better to sprint across the intersection rather than allow the BDC-mobile to be towed away on our lunch hour. I was able to save the vehicle and find it a spot to sit safely for the remainder of lunch, but the full-bellied running in ninety-degree heat had effectively killed my appetite. I hate to take this into account when reviewing the Louden Square Buffet, but its inconvenient location and tiny parking lot probably mean that this was the first and last visit that they get from BDC.
Hope you enjoyed the newsletter. Email BDC@CollinsChronicles.com any time you have comments, suggestions, or ideas for The Collins Chronicles. Talk to you next week!
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