"Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship" - Casablanca (1942)

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to The Collins Chronicles version 2.0!  Today, we proudly launch our new weekly email newsletter in an effort to keep in better touch with the dozens of you out there that have so graciously agreed to be apart of the special brand of madness that we release into the world.

In this week's edition, we will try to lay out our goals for the e-newsletter, share a story about a new product that I have bought that will amaze those of you who know me best, and lastly start planning ahead for a new Collins Chronicles venture we are launching this fall.  Thank you again for joining our new email distribution list.  Feel free to forward these weekly emails along to others and invite them to join the fun by simply emailing me at BDC@CollinsChronicles.com to sign up.  Now, onto all the news that is fit to print...

WHY ARE WE HERE?

The Collins Chronicles have always worked best as a collaborative process.  When the website was initially founded, much of the early traffic was generated by the restaurant rankings and reviews that we did monthly, and the feedback that readers provided on those articles.  I have to give much of the credit for the inspiration of those rankings to my good friend KastleKeep in North Carolina, who teamed with BDC to form the "Lexington Lunch Patrol" during my days in North Carolina.  Now that I reside in Lexington, Kentucky, I am getting new use of out the LLP hats we had made.

The other great collaborative venture that has made The Collins Chronicles go has been the reader-voted tournaments that we have hosted in the past couple of years.  Many of you reading these words now were introduced to our site by participating in our greatest rock band voting or the best TV show of the past decade voting.  The winners were Led Zeppelin and The Office for those of you who missed out on one or both.  These tournaments were both suggested by readers, and those of you who voted were amazingly faithful to get your votes in on time every week.

That faithful dedication to our little band of brothers and sisters has long been what has driven me to keep The Collins Chronicles alive and updated as often as possible.  When my time and attention has slipped away from the site for too many weeks at a time, I never fail to get a call or an email from one of you out there asking how things are going and when the site will get some new material posted on it.  Those requests have never fallen on deaf ears, but the process of moving and the changing of jobs and houses and lifestyles have really complicated the website maintenance process.  Once again, it was a couple of reader emails that suggested the email newsletter format, and he we are now!

Looking over the list of "subscribers" to the inaugural edition of our email, we have folks representing nine states:  Kentucky, Tennessee, Maryland, Georgia, Wisconsin, North Carolina, Ohio, Texas, and Virginia.  I am not calling anyone out, but the ages range from college to retirees.  We are very eclectic and interesting group, for sure.  Many of you know each other and a couple of you probably only know me, but over the course of time, we are all going to have a good time together.  A lot of that will be at my expense, I am sure, but I can handle that, as you will see in the following section.

One of your fellow readers out there asked for a mission statement for this new venture, and I promise to deliver one very soon.  After you have read this first edition, I hope you will begin to see the basic purpose of this labor of love.  I hope to see all of our readers entertained, engaged, and encouraged by these emails.  We all get enough bad news and work dropped on us via email, that I hope this weekly message provides you with a few moments of humor and happiness.  Most of all, I hope this email serves to help us all keep in better touch with each other and to share stories, opinions, and updates as the months and years go by.  You all know my email address, so use it!

BDC BOUGHT WHAT???

Those of you that have known me since I got married and became a homeowner several years ago know that I detest yard work.  Up until this year, I have never even owned a lawnmower or any other lawn and garden tools for that matter.  We lived in a condo with maintained grounds in North Carolina, and I hired people to handle the lawn duties at each of the residents I had in Tennessee.  When we moved up to Kentucky, though, we finally found a house with a yard that even I agreed was small enough for me to maintain myself.  The yard is not a postage stamp by any means, but it is the smallest yard of any house that the wife and I have owned by a good amount.

I still solicited a few bids from local landscaping crews to handle the job, but all of them were far higher than I felt was fair for the small lawn.  I decided I would handle the task myself, so I spent last winter researching lawnmowers and weed-eaters online.  Since my lawn was small enough, I decided I would forgo the traditional gas-powered tools in favor of their electric counterparts.  The more research I did, I learned that the cordless electric mowers did not hold charges very well, and the plug-in models left you having to work around the cord as you crisscrossed the lawn.  That is when I discovered the Brill RazorCut Reel Mower.

In all honesty, my only exposure to manually-driven reel mowers previously had been from watching episodes of "Leave it to Beaver" in black-and-white as a kid.  I was not aware that these things were even sold any more, much less that they were still in great demand over in Europe.  Several hours of research and a few "YouTube" demonstration videos later, I ordered my new lawnmower from Germany online.  I know you are all already thinking that this was crazy.  Why would a guy who hates lawn work and does not really give a fig and being "green" or reducing his carbon footprint buy a mower that is going to take longer and require more effort to complete the job?  The answer is two-fold.  For one, our garage space here in Kentucky is limited and the new mower only weighs seven pounds and is small enough to hang on the wall when I am not using it.  Secondly, those enterprising Germans have made this mower maintenance-free for a minimum of eight years.  No gas, no oil changes, no blade-sharpening, nothing.  With those two factors in mind, I was sold.

When the box arrived I immediately encountered the first problem.  All of the parts and instructions were in German.  Not a lick of English in the box or on the packaging to be found anywhere.  Needless to say, the assembly took a little longer than hoped, but thankfully our sausage-loving friends over the pond did include some pretty detailed drawings that got me through the process.  Once I had the mower assembled, I proudly marched out to my backyard to see what this little monster could do.  I made it about four feet with excruciating effort before realizing that the recommended cutting height settings were a little too ambitious for the first time around my yard.  After raising the blades up to forty centimeters (who doesn't love the metric system?), I had a significantly easier time pushing the mower.  I was very impressed with the experience from the first few minutes.  The mowing is so quiet you can hear to talk on the phone or listen to an MP3 player with ease.  The mower handles grass and clover with ease, but requires a couple of extra passes at times to handle weeds or taller grasses.  All in all, I was pleased with the results in my backyard and headed out to knock out my smaller front yard area.  That is where the story gets a little sad.

As I began making passes back and forth across my front lawn, I noticed a little boy of roughly four years of age staring intently at me from a couple of driveways down the block.  I knew there was trouble in the wind.  The young lad had clearly been instructed to remain in his own driveway, and he obeyed those orders like a soldier.  He walked all the way to the edge of his driveway and after studying my work for a few more seconds, finally yelled out to me..."HEY MISTER!...YOUR MOWER IS NOT ON!..."

It is a dark day for any man when he realizes that he is being heckled by a toddler in his own yard.  I was disheartened, of course, but I did what any self-respecting man in my place would have done.  I took one look at this little hooligan down the street...and I pretended to adjust the non-existent earphones in my ears and kept mowing.  The tiny heckler was not easily satisfied, though.  Again he informed me, slightly louder and with more feeling this time..."HEY...MISTER...YOUR....MO...WER...IS...NOT...OOOONNN!!!"

Again, I kept with my plan of ignoring the tiny terror of my afternoon, and I continued working my mower around the lone tree in my front yard.  The kid down the block was now completely disgusted and looked around at no one in particular and shrugged his shoulders to the heavens at my apparent ignorance in this matter.  After a few seconds more of careful examination of my first attempt at mowing a lawn since before the millennium, the determined young lad tried a new tact in his taunts..."HEY MISTER!  MY DAD'S MOWER IS LOUDER THAN YOURS!"

Ouch.  That one stung somewhere deep in my macho man-core.  I was nearly enticed into responding when he repeated this new taunt a second time, once again louder and with more desperation.  I was finishing off the last couple of passes on the lawn and contemplating what sort of response might convince a four-year-old that me and my mower were not the kind of team that needed to be trifled with, when the little loudmouth was enticed back into the house by the offer of a popsicle from his grandmother.

This story may seem sad to some, but it just illustrates how clear it is that I am not meant to handle mowing duties in this life.  Where else in this world or any like it would you see a hulking former professional wrestler shoving a tiny motor-less lawnmower around a tiny lawn while being mercilessly heckled by an even tinier onlooker?  I say nowhere else, but in the wonderful and wacky world of The Collins Chronicles.  As for the mowing, I think I will work on getting WDC trained up on it as soon as he has mastered walking.  At least then the neighbor kid can pick on someone his own size!

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL?

The recent NFL Draft and my recent attendance of the Tennessee spring football scrimmage (with Chronicles reader, Seymour...great times) have put BDC in a football frame of mind.  With that said, my recent change of scenery has left me without a fantasy football league to play in for the first time in years.  Thus, I am looking to launch the first-ever Collins Chronicles Fantasy Football League this coming fall.  I know it is still early, but it is never too soon to start thinking about your draft rankings.  If you or someone you know would like to participate or would like more information on my plans for the league, please email me at BDC@CollinsChronicles.com.  We need at least ten teams to participate, so whether you have played before or not, throw your hat in the ring and try your hand at some fantasy football with Commissioner BDC this fall.

Hope you enjoyed the inaugural newsletter.  Drop me a line any time you have comments, suggestions, or ideas for The Collins Chronicles.  Talk to you next week!

As always, visit us online at www.CollinsChronicles.com

THE COLLINS CHRONICLES e-NEWSLETTTER

VOL. 1 / ISSUE 2

MAY 15TH, 2009

 

 

"Success does not consist in never making mistakes but in never making the same one a second time." - George Bernard Shaw

 

Hopefully you will not consider taking the time to read the second issue of The Collins Chronicles e-Newsletter to be making the same mistake a second time!  Thanks to everyone for the positive feedback (and playful mockery) on our inaugural newsletter.  Extra-special thanks to those of you who forwarded the newsletter along to your friends and families.  We have several news subscribers this week, and that is really cool news.

 

Speaking of not making the same mistakes again, I have heard that many of you were unable to view the sweet picture of my mower that I imbedded in last week's newsletter, so going forward I will add any pictures as email attachments, and I promise to keep the file size low.  If you want to see what you missed last week, I posted the picture on the front page of The Collins Chronicles website, so go check it out.

 

Without further ado, in this week's edition, we will discuss what has become a week full of causes for celebration in the Collins household, we will respond to some reader email, and lastly I will ask for your simple assistance in elevating my online social status (you know you want to help).  When you are finished reading this week, be sure to take a second and respond to our poll question at the very bottom of this page, and help us continue to shape the future of The Collins Chronicles e-Newsletter!

 

 

WHERE'S THE PARTY?

 

These are some pretty exciting days in the Collins household, my friends.

 

May always seems to be a busy and hectic month for people.  The school year comes to an end, and you have graduations and weddings galore.  Of course, there is Mother's Day in there, too.  Throw in Memorial Day, little league games, the start of vacation season, and May becomes a crowded and exciting month for everyone.

 

In our house, May also brings around the birthday of BDC (see gift idea below) and the wedding anniversary of BDC and Wife.  Both of those occasions will be celebrated in our house in the next four days, as a matter of fact.  You can see now why May always keeps us busy, right?  This year it has even more reason for celebration than usual.

 

Last weekend, as we prepared to celebrate Mother's Day as a family, my son (nicknamed WDC - Wee Daddy Collins) decided to give Wife of BDC a gift that his old man could definitely not top.  The little guy took his first steps on Mother's Day weekend!  Needless to say, both mom and dad were ridiculously excited and entertained by this latest development.  It seems like only a few short weeks ago that we carried this guy home from the hospital and started trying to figure out how to be parents.  Now, he is toddling around the house breaking stuff and causing general mischief.  Your parents tell you all the time when you are growing up how much faster time goes by when you get older, but I don't think you can understand it until you have kids.  They learn and grow and change so much every day that there is almost a sense of sadness at the loss of an older version of themselves that is quickly swept away by a sense of pride in their development.  While it is kind of sad that we no longer have a little baby that wants to be held all the time and is relatively immobile when you put them down, we are so proud of WDC for finally starting to walk and get around without our help.  I think that is part of the whole irony of life.  You can spend your time bemoaning the way that things are always changing and reminiscing about the "good old days" or you can find the realize that life is short and make the most of every change that comes along.  If you can manage that, every day you look back on when you get old will have been one of the "good" ones.

 

I did not mean to wax a little philosophical there, but something about parenting and watching WDC grow brings out my sentimental side.  Getting back to business, we now had another reason to celebrate, obviously.  We have Mother's Day, WDC learning to walk, BDC's birthday and our wedding anniversary within a ten day span.  Pretty cool few days for us.

 

Many of you have taken part in some of my past birthday blast weekend festivities before.  You would think I would have some elaborate multi-day traveling event planned, but alas, I have not.  We did a lot of traveling during April, and I am actually going to be spending my birthday weekend quietly at home with the family.  The Wife and I will make our annual pilgrimage to Carrabba's for a nice Italian meal on our anniversary (8 straight years hitting Carrabba's across 3 states).  Otherwise, it will hopefully be a peaceful and relaxing weekend, but one that we will always remember for sure.

 

 

WHERE'S THE MAIL?

 

This week, we will answer our first piece of reader email sent in to the Chronicles.  We will always respond to any and all emails that you send us individually, but if there are commonly asked questions or emails that we find especially interesting, we will publish them here in the newsletter.  Send us all the questions, comments, corrections, concerns, dreams, phobias, internet passwords, gambling tips, and other items you may have, and we will respond or mock you as quickly as possible.

 

This week's email comes to us from the other half of the feared and respected "Lexington Lunch Patrol."  The man who teamed with BDC to visit and rank an entire North Carolina county's worth of dining establishments, which was an extraordinary feat considering we even hit the cafeterias of hospitals and community colleges, mind you.  A man we like to call, KastleKeep...

 

"BDC, couple of suggestions for the newsletter: You might feature some of your better reader submitted e-mails and stories some time, so we could get to know the other subscribers. We love your stories; they are the best. You could also feature a website of the week, and highlight a fun daily site to visit like Woot.com or others."

 

Obviously a few years apart has not prevented us from thinking alike, K!  We already had plans for this email response section, but your ideas are even better.  This summer, I will be on the lookout for a weekly guest columnist among the readership, so be thinking about it.  If you take an interesting trip, eat a legendary meal somewhere, or have another other adventure or topic that shares in the spirit of The Collins Chronicles, throw a few sentences together about it and share it with the rest of us.  As for your website of the week idea, we like the sound of it.  It has been included in the poll at the conclusion of today's newsletter.  Woot.com is a great site, too.  It is highly addictive, but if there is anyone out there who has not visited Woot before, you are missing out on some great savings, especially on electronics, so check it out.

 

 

WHERE'S THE LOVE?

 

As I mentioned above, my birthday is just a few short hours away.  In lieu of the lavish gifts that I am sure many of you had planned to send me, I am asking for a much simpler and free gesture on your parts.  As I mentioned last week when we launched the newsletter, our ultimate goal is to keep in touch with everyone and share as much and as often as we can about these crazy lives we lead.  With that in mind, I want to make sure each of us are as "connected" in the great online world as we can possibly be.  If you have accounts on any of the following social network sites, please look me up, add me as a friend, follow me, link in with me, do whatever voodoo that you need to do to get me hooked in to your online pursuits.  If one of our readers "Twitters" about a mosquito bite, I want to feel the itch.  That may be a little over the top, but I think you get the picture.  Here is where to find me, if you really like me:

 

Twitter.com/BDCChronicles - Most of you know that I have an addiction to television that is legendary.  As a bonus for everyone who finds me on Twitter, beginning this weekend, I will send a daily Twitter with the shows my Tivo is set to record for the evening.  You can both be astonished at the volume of shows I follow AND potentially find a new show or two for yourself to follow during the summer season.  Either way you want to use it, come and "follow" me on Twitter and I will "follow" you right back!

 

Facebook - I probably don't have to explain Facebook to anyone with a pulse in America.  I am already "friends" with many of you, but if not, you can find me by name.

 

MySpace.com/CollinsChronicles - I know there are some of you there who are still hanging out on MySpace, so make sure your friend list includes BDC.

 

LinkedIn.com - For my friends out there toiling away in corporate America, please search me out on LinkedIn and let's network, homies!

 

If there is any other social network site that I am forgetting, please send those links along, and I will plant The Collins Chronicles flag on them as well!  Thanks for helping fulfill this birthday wish of mine.

 

 

WHERE'S THE ANSWERS?

 

Before you close this edition of The Collins Chronicles e-Newsletter and go along on your merry way, I ask for your quick assistance in shaping the future of our new little email venture.  Please consider the options below and drop me a quick reply to this email with your choice.  Thanks for the input!

 

WHAT ADDED FEATURE WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE INCORPORATED INTO THE NEWSLETTER?

 

A) Website of the Week feature that will enlighten me on new sites that I can use to kill time at work

Weekly Top Ten List feature where BDC will entertain and educate my with his witty rankings of assorted things

C) Restaurant of the Week feature where I can be informed of some new places to eat or to avoid eating

D) Weekly TV Highlight feature where BDC will review the hours of TV he has watched in the past week spotlight one show, moment or quote

 

 

Hope you enjoyed the newsletter.  Drop me a line any time you have comments, suggestions, or ideas for The Collins Chronicles.  Talk to you next week!

 

As always, visit us online at http://www.collinschronicles.com/

THE COLLINS CHRONICLES e-NEWSLETTER

VOL. 1 / ISSUE 3

MAY 24TH, 2009

 

 

"Courage is contagious.  When a brave man takes a stand, the spines of others are often stiffened." - Billy Graham

 

Happy Memorial Day, everyone!  This long holiday weekend our nation pauses to remember and reflect on the sacrifices that have been made in the past to allow us the freedoms and comforts that we take for granted every day.  I know for a fact that there are several current members of the military and veterans that are receiving this newsletter, and I don't want to type one word further without extending my sincere gratitude to each of you for the service that you have given to our country.  I know my publications generally have a very light-hearted tone, but I am being very serious when I say that I can not imagine standing in the boots of a soldier, and I am forever thankful to those of you who have had the courage to wear that uniform and stand in harm's way for the rest of us.  Like the quote above says, your courage is contagious, and I hope each of you has a safe and relaxing Memorial Day.

 

With that well-deserved bit of seriousness aside, we now return to our regularly scheduled foolishness.  In this week's edition, I will give you an update on the "BDC Birthday Online Social Experiment" that I recruited you all for last week, we will answer an email inquiry about one of my favorite subjects, and I will take the easy way out and close this holiday weekend newsletter with an old favorite.  Just like last week, when you are finished, be sure to take a second and respond to our poll question at the very bottom of the page, and help us continue to shape the future of The Collins Chronicles e-Newsletter!

 

The attached picture is Wee Daddy Collins enjoying a little scenic ride on Memorial Day Weekend.

 

 

REMEMBER THE NAME

 

I learned a lot of new things about the readers of The Collins Chronicles this past week.  When last we met, I asked each of you if you would help me make as many online social connections during the week of my birthday as possible.  The first thing that I learned about our readers is that you guys prefer Facebook over all other social mediums by an apparent landslide.  Dozens of you became my newest Facebook friends this week, and I am honored and privileged to be connected with so many of you now on that website.

 

I learned that there are lots and lots of bizarre and fun things that can be sent to you on Facebook, as well.  This past week alone, I got hit by a multitude of Facebook "pillow fights," found out that the US president that I have the most personality traits in common with is the legendary Millard Fillmore (no kidding), got challenged to an assortment of trivia challenges, and got invited to join more groups, events, and causes than I ever knew existed.  I also got to see a lot of the pictures and posts that many of you have published on Facebook, and it is neat to see all that is going on with so many of you.  One of you even had some pictures of a pretty nasty-looking recent car wreck that you need to tell me about (you know who you are and I am waiting on that email).

 

All in all, I consider the week to be a big success, but I am here to ask for just a little bit more help.  I can see that Facebook is your preferred playground, so I will not ask you to wade back into the dark recesses of MySpace again.  I am going to ask, though, that you humbly reconsider joining me over at Twitter.com.  If you are not familiar yet, Twitter is like a simpler version of Facebook on speed, of sorts.  You can make and receive updates from any cell phone with almost no setup time at all.  After our seven day "experiment," I actually have fewer Twitter followers than I did when we started somehow.  Thanks to my employer, I always have my BlackBerry handy, so Twitter is the first place I go to post the random thoughts and developments that come about during the monotony of the work week.  I promise that if you take the time to join Twitter, I will keep it interesting enough to make it worth your time to "follow" my "tweets."  If you decide to give it a try, you can find me at Twitter.com/BDCChronicles.

 

 

REMEMBER THE MAIL

 

This week, we answer another piece of reader email sent in to the Chronicles.  We will always respond to any and all emails that you send us individually, but if there are commonly asked questions or emails that we find especially interesting, we will publish them here in the newsletter.  Send us all the questions, comments, corrections, concerns, dreams, phobias, internet passwords, gambling tips, and other items you may have, and we will respond or mock you as quickly as possible.

 

This week's email comes to us from "Carp" in Tennessee...

 

"BDC, enjoying the newsletter.  I sure hope you are planning on reviewing my favorite TV show, "Fringe."  I'd be interested in hearing your perspective on it.  It would be neat to get a sports twist to the newsletter as a regular section of it.  With football just around the corner and basketball to follow, I'm sure you will have some hot topics to write about."

 

Great to hear from you, Carp.  Thanks for the email.  Everyone knows that I love to talk about television, so your wish is my command on this one.  Let me first say that this past week has been a sad one on the television front.  The schedules for the upcoming fall network seasons were released, and with that came the cancellations of several shows that were favorites in the BDC home.  Perhaps none will be missed more than "The Unit" on CBS.  Even shows like "Fringe" that were lucky enough to be renewed took some hits from the current economy, as they announced the termination of one of my favorite characters on the show, Agent Charlie Francis.  As for the review that you requested, I have a lot of good things to say about "Fringe."  The series started kind of slow, and I thought it was going to be a little too sci-fi heavy for my taste, but I really fell for the show over time.  For those who may not have known, "Fringe" comes from JJ Abrams, who gave us "Lost" on ABC.  The commonality between the two shows became evident as their seasons played out.  From the beginning, boths shows have boasted intricate and complicated story lines with multiple crossovers and twists.  As the seasons progressed, though, we saw both shows running their characters on parallel timelines.  For "Lost," it was groups of people separated by thirty years.  For "Fringe," it was groups of people operating in another mirrored dimension.  I thought both shows had really strong finales, but it is hard to argue that the final scene of this season of "Fringe" was one of the most shocking and controversial images that I have ever seen on network TV.  I am actually surprised it did not get more attention from the media than it did.  I will not ruin the shock and surprise for those of you who have not seen it, because I highly recommend that you go out and buy or rent season one on DVD and be ready for season two when it debuts this fall.  I am personally very curious to see what season two brings us in the developing stories of Olivia, the Bishops, and the mysterious Observer.

 

As for your suggestion about adding some sports coverage to the newsletter, I like it.  Once the sports world picks up in the fall, I am sure I will have lots and lots to say about things.  Right now, the only sports worth watching are the NBA playoffs, and I have not followed them closely since Michael Jordan retired.  With that said, I have watched several games this postseason, and I have to admit that the new generation of stars in the NBA are finally showing up.  Watching LeBron, Carmelo, and Dwight Howard play this postseason has to make the NBA front office feel better about the league's future.

 

 

REMEMBER THE PAIN

 

It is Memorial Day weekend, and I want to spend some time relaxing with the family, so I am going to close out this week's newsletter by reprinting the most-viewed and commented-on story from The Collins Chronicles website below.  This story was first posted on The Collins Chronicles exactly three years ago today.  Whether you are reading it for the first time or the fiftieth, I hope you enjoy this trip down memory lane to one of the wildest events in the life of BDC...

 

 

Unexpected things happen in life all the time.  No one ever gets up in the morning and decides it is a good day to have a car wreck or break a bone.  Most assuredly, on a September day back in the year 2000, BDC did not roll out of bed with the intention of spending the afternoon having his left ear sewn back onto his head, but alas...without further ado...and by popular demand...Collins Chronicles is proud to present...the "ear story."

 

In the summer and fall of 2000, I was working at an equipment rental store in Lenoir City, Tennessee.  Those of you who know me best are already chuckling at the notion given my disdain for manual labor, lack of even elementary mechanical skill, and overall distaste for handling equipment that could potential kill me.  Yet, for the most part I enjoyed working at the rental store, especially the hours and coworkers, and headed into work on this particular day in a generally good mood.

 

I don't remember much of the day up until my head trauma, but I think it has more to do with it being uneventful than some lasting effects from the accident.  I know I had a red shirt and red hat on that day, which was helpful as I am still able to wear them to this day despite the amount of blood they got on them.  This may be a good point in the story to mention this one can get quite graphic.  In telling the story to people in person over the years, I have generally gotten people fairly close to tossing their cookies from time to time, so if you are one who is prone to sickness over things like this, maybe you should skip this one and rejoin us on our next adventure here at Collins Chronicles.

 

Okay, if you are still reading, don't worry.  The story is not that bad.  I just wanted to filter out the lightweights early.  We rented lots of different types of equipment at the store, but the one item that I knew the least about (because it can really only be used in certain locations and under certain conditions) was the concrete trowel machine.  If you have never seen a trowel machine, try to imagine the ceiling fan in your living room attached to a solid aluminum bicycle's handlebars.  You hold the handlebars and the blades of the "fan" spin rapidly and smooth down the drying concrete.  (NOTE:  To this day, I still know nothing about trowel machines, other than my bitter hatred of them, so this description may not be exactly right, but you get the general idea anyway.)

 

A couple of local guys came in together in their pickup truck and rented a trowel machine for the day.  I got all their paperwork filled out, took their cash, and had them back around to the warehouse where we could load up the truck.  Trowel machines are not all that heavy, so we had the sucker in the back of their truck in no time flat.  At this point, I turned my back to the truck and began to tell Local Guy A the instructions for cranking and operating the machine (at least I told him what I thought he should try anyway, as I had never ACTUALLY operated the thing before).  Little did I know it, but Local Guy B was behind me, still in the back of the truck, following my instructions as I gave them.  As it turned out, I actually did know how to crank a trowel machine after all, because as I finished explaining it, I heard it rumble to life in the truck bed behind me.

 

Unfortunately for me, trowel machines are meant to operate in a wide expanse of concrete, not in the small confines of a truck bed.  With no way for the blades to spin inside the bed, they stayed stuck in place and the large aluminum handles made one full (and quite rapid) revolution before whacking me with enough force to knock my ear into three pieces.

 

To be honest, it did not hurt at all.  In fact, I turned back to Local Guy A and reminded him when the machine was due back and such, but he was not paying much attention to me.  Apparently, he was too busy panicking and turning green at the sight of my head.  I could not quite figure it out for a moment, because I honestly thought everything was still fine, and knew I had taken some solid blows to my head during my wrestling exploits, and come out reasonably fine.  Then it started to rain, but only on my left shoulder and arm.  It was still sunny out, so this did not make a lot of sense either until I looked down at my left side.  It was covered in blood, and the pitter patter of drops was still falling steadily from the area around my ear hole.

 

If you have ever had the misfortune of nicking your ear while shaving or getting a haircut, you are probably aware that it bleeds profusely.  Turns out when you smash the sucker into three pieces that your head tries to convert into a sprinkler system of sorts.  At the sight of my own blood flowing at that rate, my adrenaline kicked in and the next few minutes are really blurry.  I held a wad of paper towels against the side of my head as my boss from the rental store drove me to the nearest walk-in clinic in his Jeep.  He would tell me later that I asked him about a dozen times how bad it was, but I only remember asking once and getting a sketchy look from him.  Sad as it sounds, in my head, I was already considering the potential impact a lost ear could have on boosting my wrestling career prospects.  "Cactus Jack" Mick Foley was hardly a household name until he left an ear in a German trashcan, so this could be a good thing after all.

 

When we arrived at the walk-in clinic, I still was not in a lot of pain.  I remember wondering to myself if a walk-in clinic in a strip mall in LenoirCity was really the best place to go, but it was the closest by miles.  We walked in and the wad of bloody paper towels against my head got us a free pass from the shocked receptionist at the clinic.  I was ushered in to the first open room and sat down.  Seconds later, the first nurse came in and smiled and asked me to have look at the damage.  I carefully pulled the towels down from my head and got a little disheartened when the nurse (trained medical professional that she was) threw a hand over her mouth and ran out of the room.  This was the point in the story where I first got a little nervous that things were more serious than I had self-diagnosed.

 

Luckily, the second nurse was more prepared for what she saw, and help me get situated and get the bleeding stopped.  I then caught another huge break when the main doctor at the clinic that day came into the room.  Turns out he was formerly a missionary doctor and had years of experience in stitching up wounds.  In all of LenoirCity, I can safely assume there was not another person more qualified to sew my ear back together and reattach it straight, and he was working the walk-in clinic just a stone's throw away from the rental store.  That, dear readers, is the grace of God in action, and I will not be convinced otherwise.

 

Several hours, roughly a dozen injections to the head and ear, and fifty or so stitches later, I was looking a lot more normal.  Sadly, the numbing shots had worn off and we were one stitch away from being done.  It had been rather nerve-wracking to have to listen to each stitch go into my ear and get pulled tight, but that was without feeling it simultaneously.  The doctor asked if I minded taking the last stitch without any additional numbing, as he did not want to have to inject any further so close to be done.  I played the macho card and told him to go for it.  Sadly, the last stitch remaining was the one going deepest in my ear canal, so I got to listen CLOSELY as the needle made its way down, felt AND heard it break through the skin, heard him deftly forming the final stitch, then listened and gritted my teeth as he pulled it tight and cut it.

 

I considered that one of the most painful moments of my life (that is until the stitches had to come out later).  The doctor was worried that I would have residual jaw pain or hearing damage from the blow, which he referred to in his report as "massive blunt force trauma," sounds cool, huh?  He gave me some pain pills and sent me home.  In the entire process, somehow, the only pain I felt was during the stitching and stitch removal process.  I lost and regained an ear in one afternoon without losing consciousness at any point.  (A point of pride I might add, that I got hit with that kind of force and was not knocked down or out, so who wants to come spar at my place?)

 

I went home and only used one pain pill out of the whole bottle (at the insistence of the girlfriend and mother who seemed much more torn up about the ear than I did) and got to start showing off the gnarly stitches the very next day.  For years, the ear healed so well, it was only when people sat behind me in class or in the car that anyone noticed the scar.  The back of my left ear in not pretty and never will be.  As I get older, the spot on the outside of my ear where the doctor connected all the pieces continues to protrude a little bit and make a bump.  My wife tells me I should have something done about it, but I enjoy the occasional questions and subsequent opportunity to tell the story.  Besides, she is the only one who sees me enough and is close enough to notice that my left ear is smaller than my right.  (Until I just put that on the internet anyway...dang...no cracks about that, people.)

 

The funny part to me is that, at the time of my "massive" head trauma, I had been dating my future wife for over two years.  All it took was that blow to the head to knock me silly and I proposed to her within a couple of weeks following.  I can't say it was staring death in the eye or anything like that, but I did learn that you never know what is going to happen in life, so you live every day as best you can and enjoy the people around you.  Had that handle hit me a few inches higher, it would have been my temple, and who knows what happens?  As it stands, I made it through with very little pain and came out with a good story AND got a great woman to agree to marry me out of the deal (who is now stuck looking at the bump on my tiny ear "‘til death do us part").  All in a day's work at an equipment rental store.

 

 

REMEMBER THE POLL

 

Before you close this edition of The Collins Chronicles e-Newsletter and go along on your merry way, I ask for your quick assistance in shaping the future of our new little email venture.  Please consider the options below and drop me a quick reply to this email with your choice.  Thanks for the input!

 

WHAT ADDED FEATURE WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE INCORPORATED INTO THE NEWSLETTER?

 

A) Website of the Week feature that will enlighten me on new sites that I can use to kill time at work

Weekly Top Ten List feature where BDC will entertain and educate my with his witty rankings of assorted things

C) Restaurant of the Week feature where I can be informed of some new places to eat or to avoid eating

D) Weekly TV Highlight feature where BDC will review the hours of TV he has watched in the past week spotlight one show, moment or quote

 

Hope you enjoyed the newsletter.  Email BDC@CollinsChronicles.com any time you have comments, suggestions, or ideas for The Collins Chronicles.  Talk to you next week!

 

 

As always, visit us online at http://www.collinschronicles.com/

THE COLLINS CHRONICLES e-NEWSLETTER

VOL. 1 / ISSUE 4

MAY 31, 2009

 

 

"Corn dogs are an excellent source of calories, fat, cholesterol and salt." - www.FoodReference.com

 

I will explain the quote above and the attached picture a little later, so allow me to shower you all with some well-deserved gratitude first.  I don't know if it was the spirit of the Memorial Day weekend that got into you or just having an extra day off from work to goof around online, but we got more emails into the website this week than ever before.  The majority of the emails were notes of encouragement and positive feedback on the newsletter.  Combining those kind words with all of the new friends and posts on Facebook, and I am clearly blessed with a great group of friends and readers.  Your voice was also heard in the poll to select a new feature to be added to the newsletter beginning this week, as one option was the overwhelming favorite of the group.  More on that to follow below.

 

In this week's edition, I will break some developing news on a potential new culinary claim to fame for BDC, unveil the winner of the reader-voted new segment poll, and talk a little TV in the process.  Hope you enjoy the reading and come back again next week.

 

 

COUNT THE CORN DOGS

 

If you have ventured to look at the attached picture this week or considered the quote that I began the newsletter with, you have met the next great conquest on my lifetime mission to tackle foods of renown from around the country and the globe.  While my focus in the last year has been on infamous burgers, my newest nemesis is the Kentucky Corn Dog Pizza.  How this carnival ride of calories became the most wanted meal on my hit list is a weird and wild story in itself.  Allow me to share it with you now.

 

My wife and I often discuss how I lead a bizarrely charmed life.  From landing myself on millions of Krystal boxes to fulfilling a childhood dream and making my pro wrestling debut, several times in my life it has just seemed like certain cool opportunities fell from the sky into my lap.  This week, it seems like another of those chances may be trying its best to find me again.

 

The Kentucky Corn Dog Pizza is one of those Internet-spawned legends of food that has circulated online and via email forwarding for months and months now.  A small country store near the Kentucky-Tennessee line created the extra-large pizza crowned with seven jumbo corn dogs and registering somewhere around 5,000 calories as a special menu attraction.  Inevitably, some media outlets found out about the Corn Dog Pizza, and it was a topic of conversation of several local radio hosts in the Lexington area this week.

 

On Friday morning, one of my coworkers (and first Kentucky-based newsletter subscriber...kudos)  came to my desk and told me about the Corn Dog Pizza that he had heard discussed on the radio on his way into work.  Knowing of my past history of dominating enormous burger challenges and inventing Krystal Pizza, he thought I might like to take on a new pizza challenge.  Later in the afternoon, we took the time to Google the attached picture of the Corn Dog Pizza, and I immediately knew that I had found a worthy adversary for my digestive fortitude.  I openly declared to all those gathered around my computer screen that I could eat this beast alone in one sitting.

 

Much to my surprise, another of my coworkers who sits adjacent to me was listening to our discussion in one ear while listening to a local radio station via an earphone in the other ear.  That radio station happened to also be discussing the feasibility of a single man eating the Corn Dog Pizza in one try.  They were planning on bringing one of the pies into their studio and having their producer attempt the feat.  My coworker who had just heard my confident declaration emailed the radio station's live listener feedback line to express my interest in challenging their producer and the pizza.  Amazingly, within a few seconds BDC and his resume of food victories was being discussed live on Lexington radio.  While it is still not a done deal by any means, there is a chance if all the details fall into place that BDC could be challenging the Kentucky Corn Dog Pizza live on the radio sometime this week.  Rest assured, if it were to happen, I will send out an email alert to all newsletter subscribers with the date and time and details on how to access the live Internet feed of the radio station or listen to the recorded podcast after the event.  You can also rest assured that even if this radio broadcast deal does not come to fruition, that I will make my own arrangements to meet and defeat the Corn Dog Pizza real soon, and I will photograph and chronicle the event for this newsletter.  Either way, stay tuned!

 

 

COUNT THE VOTES

 

For the last couple of weeks, we have been asking readers to vote on a new weekly feature that they would like to see added to the newsletter.  Rather than answer one of our reader emails this week, we will use this mail bag section of the newsletter to announce and unveil the newly-elected newsletter segment.  While each of the options got at least some level of support, there was a very clear winner when the votes were counted.  That winner was option Weekly Top Ten List feature where BDC will entertain and educate me with his witty rankings of assorted things.

 

Thanks to everyone for taking the time to vote.  It is a little known fact that BDC's first nationally published writings were some David-Letterman-style "Top Ten" lists that I wrote for the annual year-in-review editions of "Pro Wrestling Illustrated" back in my high school and college years.  Unless some of you were subscribers to that publication in the mid-to-late-1990's, I congratulate you for a very astute selection.  I hope to be able to use the Weekly Top Ten section of the newsletter to both entertain and educate you each week, as well as keep as much variety in the newsletter as possible with an easy-to-digest format.  Some weeks that will mean a comedic effort like the Letterman lists, and other weeks we will use the rankings to talk about more random events.

 

This week, we will launch the Weekly Top Ten by ranking the top season finales of the recently completed television season.  I will warn you now: if you have any season finales stored up on your Tivo lists to be watched later, there will be some spoilers below, so read on at your own risk.  Without further ado...and by your popular demand...The Collins Chronicles e-Newsletter is proud to present our very first installment of The Weekly Top Ten!...

 

TOP TEN TELEVISION FINALES OF THE SEASON

 

Number 10...Survivor- The original reality juggernaut is starting to show its age and lose some of its audience, but this season's finale proved to by a surprisingly poignant one.  Despite being allied from the beginning and close friends throughout, finalists JT and Steven took enough shots at each other to make the final tribal council exciting.  Throw in the unforgettable Coach Wade and his antics, and Survivor's finale was a good one.

Number 9...24 - Jack Bauer did it again.  Unlike past seasons, though, we are left not knowing if Jack himself has managed to survive his heroic efforts.  As much as they tried to play on the emotions, the final scenes of the finale came off too over-dramatic for my tastes.  Still, the 24 finale makes our top ten on the strength of the reveal that Tony turned to the dark side because Michelle was pregnant with his child at the time of her murder.

Number 8...Lost- No show has set a higher bar for their season finales than Lost.  While there was plenty to be happy with, the next-to-last season finale of Lost thoroughly failed to impress to the same level as its predecessors.  It does nothing to dampen my enthusiasm for the show's final season, but the finale fight scene between Jack and Sawyer was so unrealistic that it nearly cost the show its spot on this ranking.

Number 7...The Office - The show that The Collins Chronicles readers crowned as the greatest show of the past decade had its greatest season finale ever.  The corporate picnic was both hilarious and realistic.  The entire episode managed to be simultaneously funny and touching.  Dwight was hysterical as usual.  Of course, the big news was the reveal that Pam is pregnant with Jim's baby, and the show managed to let us in on their secret in their typical conspiratorial fashion.

Number 6...Criminal Minds- A strong finish to a good season for the CBS drama.  What more could you want in a finale?  Two hours.  Mentally and physically handicapped brothers working together as serial killers.  Hogs eating corpses.  Last but not least, an old villain returns and leaves us hanging as to whether or not the leader of the BAU has survived the season finale or not.  Good TV, friends.

Number 5...House- A show that always entertains me, but never really surprises me has managed to leave me stunned three times now in the past season.  No one in the world saw the death of Kutner coming at mid-season, and the finale managed to be even more shocking for me.  The fact that House had hallucinated nearly everything he had done in the final two episodes was an amazing reveal and the final scene of House checking himself into a mental institute leaves all the show's fans anxious for next season.

Number 4...Fringe- It is hard to imagine a first year show making this list, but the season finale of Fringe delivered the goods.  We learned that Peter (or at least this dimension's version of him) is dead.  We learned more about the shared pasts of Walter and Olivia.  But more than anything, what lands this finale at number four on our list was the final scene debut of Leonard Nimoy and the reveal of the Alternate New York.

Number 3...Prison Break- I will probably take some criticism for this pick, but this episode of Prison Break was both the season and series finale.  It was a rewarding episode for those of us who followed the show from its beginning.  We had a plethora of characters return for the finale, and they were all worked back into the story in a creative fashion.  The final scene was a real tear-jerker, though, as the show jumped forward four years to reveal that everyone had lived happily ever after, but Michael had died and left Sara behind to raise his son.

Number 2...Grey's Anatomy- This finale had a greater impact on my mood than any other that I watched.  For all the shortcomings that Grey's Anatomy had this season, they managed a very strong finale.  It was an absolute shock to find out that George was the unrecognizable victim that had been hit by the bus.  The final scene of George and Izzie both possibly dying simultaneously was remarkable television.  We will have to wait to see how it plays out next season, but kudos to the show for this effort.

Number 1...American Idol- Kiss.  Queen.  Rod Stewart.  Lionel Richie.  Steve Martin playing a very serious banjo.  The list goes on and on.  The ratings giant that is American Idol had its most entertaining finale ever, in my opinion.  The underdog Kris Allen won and new judge Kara rocked a bikini.  No matter who you were, where you looked, or what kind of music you liked, there was something here to entertain everyone.  If there was a better season-ender on TV this season, I did not see it...and I think I saw pretty much everything.

 

Honorable mentions go out to How I Met Your Mother, 30 Rock, The Biggest Loser, The Celebrity Apprentice, and Dollhouse.

 

I am sure this list will stir some debate, but that is what we are here for, right?  Drop me an email or beat me up on Facebook if you think I got it wrong.

 

 

COUNT THE DAYS

 

If you are one of my Facebook friends then you have already seen the news that BDC is planning to revive the LLP.  In just a few short days, one of the most controversial and popular endeavors of BDC's past will be relaunched in a new incarnation.  If you remember the original LLP, you know what to be prepared for.  If you are a former LLP member, you are welcomed back with open arms.  If you have absolutely no idea what the LLP is, you will soon enough!

 

 

Hope you enjoyed the newsletter.  Email BDC@CollinsChronicles.com any time you have comments, suggestions, or ideas for The Collins Chronicles.  Talk to you next week!

 

 

As always, visit us online at http://www.collinschronicles.com/